Help, Dating a Small Man and Need Advice

[Guest]

Actually, I'd just like to say, I have many well-endowed friends and they're all the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. (Edit: Well, MOST of them. But the assholes are the exception, not the rule.)And the really big guys here seem pretty nice as well.

 

Not to sound like mother hen, but accepting yourself doesn't mean disparaging others. Every body (as in physiological body) is different, and they'll always be compatible with different types. Not better or worse... just different.

 

My comments are my estimate of the statistics involved, not about any specific person. It would be wrong to prejudge a particular individual even if my estimate of the statistics are correct. Your big dick friends and the big dick guys here could very well be exceptions because to the way the sample is selected.

[Guest]

I really miss that feeling of being filled up. I like a little bit of pain, and I'm LOVE having sex. I just don't know what to do. He had trouble with erectile dysfunction at the start (because he said he was worried he couldn't please me), and he got some medication. So at least we can have sex now.

 

The above are "heavy duty" statements that cannot be easily brushed aside. I have been criticised for saying so, but don't see how this can be overcome.

[afterglow]

Which part, Lloyd? You think I can't get that filled up feeling with extenders? Or, are you talking about the ED, which the medication has fixed?

[Guest]

I really miss that feeling of being filled up. I like a little bit of pain, and I'm LOVE having sex. I just don't know what to do. He had trouble with erectile dysfunction at the start (because he said he was worried he couldn't please me), and he got some medication. So at least we can have sex now.

 

The above are "heavy duty" statements that cannot be easily brushed aside. I have been criticised for saying so, but don't see how this can be overcome.

 

Well you have a pretty direct style that I "truly" appreciate, even though I don't usually agree with your opinions. I like a person who says what they really mean! Your concerns here seem very justified though. I also noticed that statement, and did sort of attempt to tackle it, although probably too subtly. I do believe that any issue can be solved, if people are truly willing to work on it. To me its not so much a case of overcoming it, its more about finding what will be enough. Unfortunately the answer may not be known until its really tried. This is a real issue, and to some extent, may be one of the reasons a site like this exists. Sooner or later, issues like this are gonna have to "really" be talked about and hopefully solved. I'm optimistic, but cautiously so. Keeping in mind that this is just 1 couple out of millions though.

[Outstanding]

To the original poster: So what size do you minimally need?

[afterglow]

I'd say the most sensitive area for me is about five inches deep, so anything longer than that works OK. Ideally, six-7 inches is perfect for me.

[53Jim53]

OK, but how should I bring it up? What can I say that wouldn't be hurtful? What would you want to hear and how would you want to hear it? With humor? Matter-of-factly, or serious, like it's a big issue? Or, since he's open to sex toys, should I just get some extenders, along with a strap-on toy for his pleasure and just add it into the mix matter-of-factly without making size into a problem? I feel like I should just treat it as one more thing to explore, one more pleasure-enhancing device, rather than have this big talk about inadequacy.

I don't mean to be negative, as everybody's different and extender toys might work for some couples, but I don't see that as a long term solution for most people. As something fun from time to time or with someone you're not serious about and don't plan to be with a long time it makes sense, but it's really no substitute for real sex. Perhaps your guy is more secure than me, and I really admire him if he is, but if a woman I cared about brought out something plastic and explained to me that she really needed it and wanted to use it all the time, I would start thinking about letting her go to find someone who could make her happy.

 

It seems to me that there is really no easy answer. You could decide that all things considered you'd rather be with him, in which case I agree that a big talk about inadaquacy is not very appealing. In that case I'd resolve myself to accept whatever enjoyment he can provide, and talk openly and in a friendly and non-upset way about the fact that you do like deeper stimulation sometimes. You could experiment with him with different positions and techniques, maybe from the kama sutra or something like that. I doubt he would have any problem with that! You could also masturbate with something long, and tell him you like to do that sometimes and even let him watch, but I wouldn't let him see it as any kind of replacement or improvement for him. You could tell him that that you love sex with him, and also like the feelings you get from deep penetration masturbating, as an exciting sideline. Guys like the different (tighter)feelings they get that way, too, so he could relate.

 

If you don't think you'll ever be satisfied with him, I'd try to make the hard choice to move on, rather than go through a lot of mutual angst that will not, after all, make him bigger or you smaller.

 

Just a few more thoughts from "the other side" :-)

You of course know all about your relationship and what do I know about it? I think it's great, though, to get different perspectives. I know it's helped me.

[afterglow]

Why does it make you feel insecure to satisfy your partner with a little added toy? Why would a dildo be OK, but not an extender? Seems like your hangup. A secure guy would be comfortable with himself, recognize his limitations and accept a little help. I agree that it wouldn't have to be every time, but really, what is the problem here other than male insecurity? The woman should go without or move on rather than have the male ego bruised for needing a little help, God forbid? My guy is quite secure. I think he could handle it. And I think he's prefer that to having me leave. he's like marriage and a family, and he thinks I'm a good catch. I stuck by him during months of erectile dysfunction and urged him to get help. He's so thankful I handled it the way I did. I'm guessing he'll feel the same way about this if I don't make a huge deal about it.

 

 

"I don't mean to be negative, as everybody's different and extender toys might work for some couples, but I don't see that as a long term solution for most people. As something fun from time to time or with someone you're not serious about and don't plan to be with a long time it makes sense, but it's really no substitute for real sex. Perhaps your guy is more secure than me, and I really admire him if he is, but if a woman I cared about brought out something plastic and explained to me that she really needed it and wanted to use it all the time, I would start thinking about letting her go to find someone who could make her happy."

[53Jim53]

Why does it make you feel insecure to satisfy your partner with a little added toy? Why would a dildo be OK, but not an extender? Seems like your hangup. A secure guy would be comfortable with himself, recognize his limitations and accept a little help. I agree that it wouldn't have to be every time, but really, what is the problem here other than male insecurity? The woman should go without or move on rather than have the male ego bruised for needing a little help, God forbid? My guy is quite secure. I think he could handle it. And I think he's prefer that to having me leave. he's like marriage and a family, and he thinks I'm a good catch. I stuck by him during months of erectile dysfunction and urged him to get help. He's so thankful I handled it the way I did. I'm guessing he'll feel the same way about this if I don't make a huge deal about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree completely that we're talking about insecurities, and my hangup might have nothing to do with your guy. If you don't think he'll have a problem with it, by all means go for it. I think he might be more confident than the average guy, especially than the average guy with a smaller penis. That's fantastic.

 

To answer your questions, speaking for myself I would not be happy about an extender toy because I would not think that my partner would be happy with it over the long haul. I'd think that after some weeks or months she'd wish she was with a different guy instead. Masturbation with a dildo just seems more of a supplement to things than a remedial measure. I like to feel that my penis is great the way it is. Again, just my take. I think the male ego by and large is an issue for many guys, sounds like your guy is doing great that way.

[53Jim53]

Just to add a little more, many of us have these insecurities because we've had rejections and even ridicule from women over penis size. It sounds like your guy might not have a lot of that in his past, and, in any case, he has someone with a great attitude now.

[afterglow]

"To answer your questions, speaking for myself I would not be happy about an extender toy because I would not think that my partner would be happy with it over the long haul. I'd think that after some weeks or months she'd wish she was with a different guy instead."

 

I think I need to try it and decide for myself if it will be enough to make me happy in the long run. Assuming it won't be in advance is self defeating. I can either try it or give up before I try it, which I think I'd regret. Everything else about the relationship is great, so it seems worth it to do everything I can before throwing in the towel.

[canuck45]

Sorry but I don't see extenders as sex toys. A dildo or vibrator is not competition, its just a toy, an addition to the fun. To me an extender says, "you are too small". Thats just my opinion.

 

As a smaller male here is my interpretation of what you are saying. This doesn't mean it IS what you are saying, but how I would feel and interpret it.

 

"So I bring you to orgasm orally and manually, but thats not good enough. The only thing that will really ring your bell is a big cock. Well excuse me for not being good enough. What I really want is a woman with a 2" bigger bust, so could you get some implants. I mean your OK, but they just don't do it for me the size they are. Everything else is great, but your breasts are just too small. Why don't you go date a horse"

 

I would not take a 'suggestion' of an extender well. If my partner felt very strongly that a larger penis is mandatory, I would just as soon they call it quits. I don't need someone reminding me I am barely average.

 

 

That is how I would take the suggestion of an extender. Its not a toy, its compensation for inadequacy. Remember just my opinion.

[Guest]

Why does it make you feel insecure to satisfy your partner with a little added toy? Why would a dildo be OK, but not an extender? Seems like your hangup. A secure guy would be comfortable with himself, recognize his limitations and accept a little help. I agree that it wouldn't have to be every time, but really, what is the problem here other than male insecurity? The woman should go without or move on rather than have the male ego bruised for needing a little help, God forbid? My guy is quite secure. I think he could handle it. And I think he's prefer that to having me leave. he's like marriage and a family, and he thinks I'm a good catch. I stuck by him during months of erectile dysfunction and urged him to get help. He's so thankful I handled it the way I did. I'm guessing he'll feel the same way about this if I don't make a huge deal about it.

 

Well a dildo isn't designed to be slipped over a penis, so I think there are differences between them. The fact that you said it wouldn't have to be worn everytime, does make me more positive.

 

There may indeed be a lot of male insecurities and even bruised egos associated with something like this. Make no mistake about it though, a penis is attached to a man, so in that sense, it is a big part of who he is. And once he becomes accustomed to using it, it "may" be tough to just stop or even severely lessen its use. I could never quite understand why a woman with (a-cup) breasts would feel so insecure about what she doesn't have, and would want to get implants to make them bigger. Thing is, I'm not a woman, so I probably could never really understand. I would hope that any man or woman would be willing to try almost anything to sexually please their partners. I doubt either would want to do in a way that would make them feel emasculated though.

 

I think it's great that your willing to not just throw in the towel and give your relationship a chance. Makes me somewhat more optimistic that you two do have a chance of making it work.

 

There are softer dildos that are capable of being used in tandem with a guy's penis, provided he has some patience trying it. Have never done it myself, but I've seen it done in films. And strap-ons are probably used mostly by women, but there is no sexual law that says a man couldn't use one.

[Greenfour]

My wife and i have been able to talk frankly and openly about this and we purchased an extender. At first she wasnt sure how it would be, but now she loves it. I honestly dont ever see it getting old for her.

 

If Afterglow thinks he can handle the suggestion, then why not go for it. I think action is always better than inaction when encountering a problem.

[afterglow]

"My wife and i have been able to talk frankly and openly about this and we purchased an extender. At first she wasnt sure how it would be, but now she loves it. I honestly dont ever see it getting old for her."

 

How did the conversation start? Did you bring it up, or did she? I'm trying to decide whether to just add it into the mix hen we buy sex toys or have a talk about it. Also, what kind of extender do you use? I like hearing a story like this with a happy ending. It gives me hope.

[afterglow]

The breast thing is not equivalent. This is not a visual preference. Breast size doesn't directly affect a man's ability to be physically pleased during sex. It's more like saying, you, as a man, can receive oral sex and orgasm, but that's it. You can't have intercourse. To me, I can barely feel it when I have intercourse, and it has felt great in the past with other partners. So it's like not having it at all. Take that part of the sex out of the equation for the rest of your life and see if you could be happy. Now imagine, if you woman could wear a padded bra during sex and suddenly you can have intercourse again. Wouldn't you ask her to wear the bra? Or would she see the bra as "competition."

 

 

"Sorry but I don't see extenders as sex toys. A dildo or vibrator is not competition, its just a toy, an addition to the fun. To me an extender says, "you are too small". Thats just my opinion.

As a smaller male here is my interpretation of what you are saying. This doesn't mean it IS what you are saying, but how I would feel and interpret it.

"So I bring you to orgasm orally and manually, but thats not good enough. The only thing that will really ring your bell is a big cock. Well excuse me for not being good enough. What I really want is a woman with a 2" bigger bust, so could you get some implants. I mean your OK, but they just don't do it for me the size they are. Everything else is great, but your breasts are just too small. Why don't you go date a horse"

I would not take a 'suggestion' of an extender well. If my partner felt very strongly that a larger penis is mandatory, I would just as soon they call it quits. I don't need someone reminding me I am barely average.

That is how I would take the suggestion of an extender. Its not a toy, its compensation for inadequacy. Remember just my opinion."

 

    

[Guest]

afterglow is sassy ans sharp! I really like you, and hope you will be able to get the help you seek here. Welcome.

[Greenfour]

I believe it was I who first brought it up Afterglow. I would suggest you pitch the idea like this. Tell him youve heard of this new extremely lifelike substance called cyberskin and do some searching online with him. Find the cyberskin extender and say "wow, how cool would that be, you can attach it right to yourself and free up your hands."

 

Trust me when i say the cyberskin is unlike any other substance out there. Approach it like that and its not related to his size. "hands free" is always more fun.

[afterglow]

Thanks, Bronx. And I appreciate all your advice EireFinn.

[Guest]

Which part, Lloyd? You think I can't get that filled up feeling with extenders? Or, are you talking about the ED, which the medication has fixed?

 

No, I think your desire for a big cock is too important to be fixed by anything but a big cock, esp. in your partner's mind, no matter how hard he might try to think otherwise.

[nick1019]

"The breast thing is not equivalent. This is not a visual preference. Breast size doesn't directly affect a man's ability to be physically pleased during sex."

 

So well put. I've always thought that comparing breast size to penis size isn't fair. It's not like the breast has to be inserted anywhere or fill anything.

 

Previously, you've mentioned that your guy is open...so why procrastinate about being honest? Honesty is important for a lasting relationship as I'm sure you know. If he really is open and understanding he would listen to your concerns and work with you to find a solution or a compromise. Maybe he will be upset at first. If he remains upset even after he's thought about it then maybe he's really not that understanding in which case you may not want to stay in such a relationship i.e. a relationship where one partner lacks understanding.

[Guest]

"The breast thing is not equivalent. This is not a visual preference. Breast size doesn't directly affect a man's ability to be physically pleased during sex."

 

So well put. I've always thought that comparing breast size to penis size isn't fair. It's not like the breast has to be inserted anywhere or fill anything.

 

 

I suppose it was a bad analogy, especially since it wasn't really the concern or thought-process I was trying to convey. Hey I'm rooting for things to go well just as much as everyone else.

[Guest]

No, I think your desire for a big cock is too important to be fixed by anything but a big cock, esp. in your partner's mind, no matter how hard he might try to think otherwise.

 

On the other hand, the two of you would be perfect for a FEMDOM relationship in which the man learns to orgasm from humiliation in service.

[Guest]

On the Extenders, I have tried some girth sleeves and actually experiencing filling up a girl and her enjoying the size IS worth the loss of sensation...

 

I tried a 10" very thick dildo on my wife when she was really hot and juicy (my mouth was responsible for the hot and juicy). She took it easily and came really dramatically. Certainly an orgasm the likes of my 4.5" never provoked in her or anyone else. I was thrilled and in awe, but also very humiliated and, later, depressed. I'm sure and extender would be an even more dramatic experience as I would be in the position to know, to some extent, how a big cock guy feels while fucking.

 

Only since I confronted my "small penis" feeling lately instead of repressing them can I even stand to think about that episode. I felt so strongly that my wife was "tolerating" my mediocre sexuality in exchange for other characteristics.

[Guest]

Which part, Lloyd? You think I can't get that filled up feeling with extenders? Or, are you talking about the ED, which the medication has fixed?

 

Incredible that you are so focused on YOUR pleasure. Of course, I am think about your male partner will feel. I would assume that his negative feelings would spoil it for you too. On the other hand, I do admire a person that can put themselves first. Admittedly, I always feel like a petitioner during sex. I never think or care about what might please me. So, I guess I need self-centered people to serve.