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Help, Dating a Small Man and Need Advice


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DesertBill, I don't know how to find your old posts. Can you tell me more? Was she honest from the start? When did it become an issue, and did you work on it together?

Hi, Afterglow, sorry I've been gone for a week from this site. I can't find the old posts I referred to myself; I've posted all over and I can't remember where it was. So I'll just start here by saying she was honest from the beginning that her first husband had been truly huge, and she had liked it. But she had had a lot of guys and a lot of variety, and by the time we were together, she said she felt my size wouldn't matter. Then, after a while, she told me she missed bigger guys. I can elaborate more, but I'm afraid I'm falling asleep at the keyboard right now. I just wanted to acknowledge that I saw your question and I do want to give you more of an answer when I'm awake.

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The cervix is the narrower lower 1/3 of the uterus situated above the vagina. Not sure what your doctor is talking about when he says a deep cervix (4-" cervix, 4" vagina, 4" for rest of uterus for a total of 12" uterus/vagina passage? That puts the top of your uterus way above your navel, about where your heart sits ! ! !

 

The vagina is about 4" with the most sensitive part being the first 2" and the gspot around 1.5 inches in. Since your bf is 4" or so he should be able to reach the gspot and stimulate the sensitive area of the vagina no problem. I suspect its not his size at all.

 

Just for the guys that have no idea of anatomy see picture below LOL

------------------------------------

 

NOT THE SAME THING.

my perspective.

 

I can't orgasm during intercourse because you breasts are too small. I can manually or orally, but not during sex. How would you feel if I said "you have to wear a prothesis (not a bra). " Doesn't sound like I appreciate you as a person, just your breasts. Without enlarging them, sex is no good !

 

The thing is you are having orgasms and you are having sex, you just aren't having vaginal orgasms from intercourse (clitoral orgasms don't really need length or width) So once you get past the excuses, what it comes down to, is he isn't big enough. You can say all the great things you like however when you put in "but" I can't orgasm from intercourse it erases all the high points. That becomes the focus of the relationship, vaginal orgasm from intercourse. My orgasm from intercourse becomes more important than all the other great things you have happening.

 

Regardless of how deep your cervix is, the outer third of your vagina is the sensitive area and if your partner is 4", then your vagina would need to be 12" for him not to reach the outer third. (plus the cervix and upper uterus ! ! ! ! ! )

 

the g spot is only 1.5 to 2 " in, so he can reach that also.

 

If a clitoral orgasms would do fine for you, then its strictly a problem of technique and probably also for vaginal orgasms. Technique and communication on what feels good besides a bigger penis.

 

 

For some women, the outer third of their vagina and the cervix are also very sensitive or even more sensitive than the clitoris.

 

that would be from 3/4 " to 3" in ! ! !

 

 

From sex101.com

f your partner is lying on her back, then her Grafenberg Area, commonly known as the G Spot, is located roughly 1.5" inside her vagina on the upper wall. The most ultimate orgasms come from a woman having her G Spot stimulated. This area inside the vagina typically has a different texture; ridged (not as smooth) as the rest of her vagina, and when aroused feels spongy. A G Spot orgasm is often associated with the mystical legend of female ejaculation and 15-30 minutes of a euphoric sensation where she is in complete bliss... Don't expect much from her during this time, she is in heaven.

 

Sorry if I sound cynical but if you are not reaching orgasm during intercourse, its not because of his penis size. Some noted sex educators teach that viewpoint. If a woman doesn't reach orgasm its her problem to solve. Explaining echnique to the guys part, exercise on her part, relaxing, communication, but not because of the penis.

 

Since I feel my view on breasts is the same, the question you have to ask yourself is:

"What will you do if he says no to extensions?" of course that is your private decision and no need to reply.

post-9-15204836604922_thumb.gif

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Canuck, I find your arrogance about female anatomy astounding. Especially for a gay man who probably doesn't spend a great deal of time probing female genitalia. I suspect, from the tone of your posts, you have some deep-seated hatred of women. The fact is, the chart you gave me may represent some average, but as many of the men here know, not everyone is average.

 

 

By having a deep cervix, my doctor (a woman--not a man, as you assumed) meant that my vaginal canal was deep, so it's a longer route through the vagina to my cervix than usual. If my vagina were only 4 inches, why on earth could I use an eight-inch dildo without hitting the cervix? Don't presume to know a woman's body better than she does.

 

 

My G spot is also not 2 inches in, sorry to tell you. The most sensitive area of the front vaginal wall is 4-5 inches in. I've measured it on my dildo. I need that much length to hit the most pleasurable area.

 

Oh, and the entrance to the vagina is sensitive only insofar as it has more nerve endings. But that doesn't make it a pleasure zone. Stimulating the entrance to the vagina is like stimulating my elbow. It doesn't lead to orgasm.

 

Any sex expert who says length has no effect on vaginal orgasm isn't a woman. I probably know my body better than 99% of the women on the planet know theirs. I'm also more orgasmic than most. I can have 25 orgasms in an hour when I'm breathing correctly and properly stimulated. It may not be what you want to hear, and it may not be true for all women, but with me, size does matter. And it aint psychological. Sorry, dude.

 

Oh, and I brought up the idea of extensions with my man. He had no problem with it, and we're shopping for sex toys together. So don't presume everyone is so insecure they can't deal with a little help.

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Lloyd, why would you feel depressed and humiliated by pleasing your wife in any way possible? Is this the sexual equivalent of male reluctance to ask for directions? Needing help is humiliating? I plan to get a strap-on so I can fuck him anally. Does that make me feel humiliated because I don't have a dick? Woe is me, I need a strap-on in order to give him anal pleasure. I must be inadequate. That must mean he needs to be with a man instead of with me. He likes it and would probably rather have a real dick up his ass. See how silly that sounds?

 

As for being focused on MY pleasure, wouldn't you be focused on yours if you weren't enjoying sex? I came here to ask for advice on how to solve a problem in a way that won't hurtful to him. If I were so self-centered, I would have told him, "You're too small for me. See ya."

 

I really detect a level of hatred towards women here. Your statement smacks of sexism--like a woman doesn't deserve top have sexual pleasure. She doesn't even deserve to want it or focus on it when there's a problem. Well, guess what? Women have needs too. Women like sex. Having sexual desire and wanting sexual pleasure is healthy and normal.

 

As for my partner, I'm totally focused on his feelings, which is why I didn't rush head-long into something without seeking outside opinions. And, I brought up extenders today without incident. We discussed a range of sex toys we'd like to try: a swing, a vibrator, the strap-on for anal sex and extenders.

 

Not only did he not react negatively, but he told me he loved that I was so explaoratory and adventursome and enthusiastic about sex.

 

And also, if he had a problem with our sex life, I would support him in fixing it. But he enjoys the sex. And I think he'd enjoy it even mroe if I enjoy it even more. He, like many men, derives a lot of pleasure from pleasing me. And I enjoy pleasing him is well. I am hardly selfish in or out of bed.

 

So clearly, you have some issues you're struggling with. That's fine, but don't project them onto me or my situation.

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If my vagina were only 4 inches, why on earth could I use an eight-inch dildo without hitting the cervix? Don't presume to know a woman's body better than she does.

 

I agree completely. I'm 7" in length and I don't hit my wife's back wall (cervix) unless I don't get her warmed up properly. When a woman is stimulated and ready for sex her vagina will dilate some, maybe even a lot, so the 4" vaginal measurment alluded to above is pretty useless.

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I admit I occasionally engage in a bit of it myself, so I want to say thank you to afterglow and others (Bronx, for one) for snapping us guys out of our phallocentric views from time to time. It might not always be what we "want" to hear, but it's refreshing and necessary.

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I'm sorry to hear about your wife, DesertBill. Did she try to work on it with you, or did she just give up? How long were you married?

We were together for six years, with a breakup in the middle, but married less than two. Size was the reason for the breakup in the middle, too. She worked on it with me for a while, and I think that airing it out was a good thing. Before she opened up about it, I was pretty sure it was a problem already. Not having it out, but suspecting on my part, made the situation very uncomfortable for me. I believe very much in communication.

She sometimes liked x-rated movies, and liked talking about the cocks she saw. She also had been a local entertainer in bars before I met her and had quite a wild life at one time. We tried extenders and lots of other sex toys. Eventually, she wanted the real thing, and for a while, we had an open arrangement, where she could have other men. Sometimes I joined in. It was her choice, exactly what we did. But finally my ego couldn't take it and she chose to divorce me rather than have sex only with me.

 

My other serious relationships had a problem with my size, too.

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I am a gay man so I can't know female anatomy! !

 

That would be laughable if it wasn't so ignorant, as if sexuality has anything to do with knowledge. How else do you think my sexuality limits me?

 

Based on your suggestion that sexuality or gender has a bearing on intelligence or knowledge, it should be safe to state: Woman have a smaller brain mass than men, so they cannot be as smart. Therefore your female doctor couldn't know as much as a male doctor. Thats about as senseless and ignorant as your 'gay' male limitations.

 

The information I quoted and paraphrased was from medical sites, written by female doctors by the way, as was the picture. I specifically looked for sites written by women, in case someone were to say, well it was probably written by a male doctor and what do they know. That particular retort is so common (and lame) I only used sites with female authors.

 

BTW What do you call a woman gynecologist that finished at the bottom of her class: Doctor, just like the guy that finished at the top. You are assuming the woman must know more because of her gender not her knowledge, a poor way to select a doctor, but thats just my opinion,

 

As for assuming your doctor is male, it wasn't an assumption at all. If the gender is not specified the correct prounoun is he (his, him). You said "A DOCTOR TOLD ME ONCE..." So my "assumption" as you stated, is in actuality proper grammar.

 

Sue Johansen, a woman sex educator, says that length is not important, but technique is. As far as I know, she is a woman.! (assumption you made about the gender of people talking about length and orgasms).

 

Many women know very little about their own bodies. That is common knowledge (according to sexperts), and many still think masturbating is a bad thing. So don't assume woman automatically know more.

 

I am not insecure with my size (assumption) and my partner is happy with it nor am I a woman-hater ( assumption), only male experts say length doesn't matter (assumption) and you corrected an error which wasn't an error, based on ignorance because you didn't know he is the accepted pronoun when the gender of the person is unknown. Maybe that's another matter I couldn't know about, being a gay man and all.

 

Have a nice day.

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There is knowledge gleaned from the Internet, and there is knowledge gained by living with your body for 35 years. As I said, averages are averages, and that chart did not take into account female arousal. When women get aroused and have orgasms, the uterus and other organs pull up.

 

As a bisexual woman who serves on the board of a gay rights organization, I stand behind my statement. It's not ignorant to say that as a gay man, you have probably spent less time exploring female genitalia than a woman or her doctor. And you have certainly spent NO time inspecting mine. So don't presume to know more about my body than I do.

 

Style rules generally call for use of gender neutral words whenever possible. If you don't know the gender of a doctor, you should not automatically default to "he."

 

 

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Settle down you two. You are both valuable members of this community and both have valid points to make on a range of subjects.

 

Afterglow, your right no one knows your body better than you and averages dont mean anything when applied to a single instance and only show relevance the larger the sample. I will say though that everything i know and have heard in the past years would not support your statement that Canuck has anything against women.

 

I would plead with Canuck and all others to stop making women members that enjoy size feel like they constantly need to defend themselves from attack. This is counterproductive in my opinion and a major reason we have so few active female members.

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I came here for advice and wound up getting attacked as selfish, shallow, stupid and a fake. I was also told it's my problem that I should figure out on my own because penis size doesn't matter.

 

I can't help but feel that there's some resentment over the fact that I have an issue with my boyfriend's size. All I can say is I'm trying to solve this in a way that's the least painful for everyone. I'm trying not to give up on the relationship too soon--without exploring all my options. But I think we all deserve to be happy and have fulfilling sex lives. I don't think that makes me selfish. And I certainly have better things to do than come here and lie to get kicks. I may not be a typical woman. I'm tough, outspoken and aggressive. I like sex a lot. I'm experimental and bisexual. But I assure you I am a woman, and I am legitimately dealing with this issue.

 

In fact, he and I went shopping for some sex toys last night. It was a very female-centric store, not seedy at all, but I was surprised they had no extenders there. Just dildos and vibes. I guess I will have to order online.

 

In any case, thank you to those of you who have been helpful. Canuck, I'm sorry if I offended you. I took offense at your post, but I don't mean to upset anyone. Maybe we can all simmer down and find some common ground here.

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Bill,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I know that must have been terribly painful. Do you think it would have been better if she hadn't told you the truth? I sometimes think some truths are just too hurtful, especially when it's something that can't be changed.

I have tried bringing a third party into a relationship I had once. It didn't work. I know it works for some people, but it just violated the sanctity of the relationship, in my experience. (Not the same if you're the third party or if everyone's single.)

In any case, I hope you find someone who loves you enough to work with this. And I hope I can find a way to be happy in bed with my boyfriend. He's such a great guy and would make a terrific partner and father. I'm at an age where I want that, and I don't have a lot of time left. But I tend to be commitment-phobic anyway. It's hard for me to imagine having sex with one person for the rest of my life, especially if the sex isn't terrific. So here's hoping we can make it terrific! Thanks again.

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Afterglow:

 

The fact that you came here asking for suggestions, tells me you are not an evil person and you do have concerns and want to address them, with both your feelings and needs taken into consideration. The facts and figures I presented are averages and yes not all people are the same.

 

I see an extender as demeaning. It doesn't matter how nicely the request is couched, it still says TO ME, you are inadequate and can't please me. While an extender may make your sexual experience better (and of course you have a right to enjoy sex too), I would see it always as a barrier. "I cannot please my woman, I am no good" so what is the point.

 

I feel an animosity towards suggesting an extender, the same way I feel to guys that affix on breast size or weight. To me, the person is more important than any one particular part and if the part in question isn't my ideal, I can work around it without changing the person and be satisfied.

 

BTW: the oxford concise dictionary says he is acceptable as a gender-neutral pronoun, so I stand by my usage. Even if sentence structure with no pronoun is a popular alternate style, he is still acceptable. tongue2.gif LOL

 

So can we agree to disagree on opinions, preferences and writing styles, yes?

 

ps: the cyberskin extensions are scary in how lifelike they feel and the silicone ones are great because they transfer body heat very quickly. (silicone is also much easier to clean and super stretchy). If you haven't made your purchase yet, check out some varieties here. If I still worked at the video/toy store I could have gotten you something at a discount ! ! ! blush.gif

 

Silicone extenders et al

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Yes, we can agree to disagree, and I value your perspective. I know it's not what I want to hear, and I'm glad that not all the men here share your opinion. I do not want to demean my boyfriend or make him feel bad. But I know breaking up with him will make him feel bad. So far, the suggestion of extenders didn't raise even an eyebrow. So I don't want to assume it will make him feel bad. However, I want to tread carefully.

 

As for working around it, I have tried. I've researched the best positions for sex with a man who has a small penis. That did help a little, which gives me hope.

 

However, again, I ask you, if you could put yourself in his shoes a moment and imagine that your partner couldn't feel much of anything during intercourse, despite making every effort. Would you be averse to using an extender if the alternative was an end to the relationship?

 

The fact is, this is important to me, and that's not going to change. I respect him and don't want to say, "You're not good enough." But I feel like we can treat this in a matter of fact way. I like deep penetration sometimes and would like to experience it WITH him, not just with a dildo. Here's something that can add this extra sensation and help him last longer. And, of course, we will have sex in other ways, including ways that are focused solely on his pleasure.

 

Everyone has strengths and limitations. So his penis isn't his biggest strength, but he has many others. So what? If you can't walk, you use a wheelchair or a cane. It doesn't make you less human or less of a man. It's not demeaning unless you choose to interpret it that way because you define your manhood or worth by your penis size. If you don't define yourself this way, it shouldn't be such a blow to the ego and so humiliating to get a little help.

 

Now, in the real world, I know men place so much importance on this, but I think if we could just call it as it is and treat it like anything else, it wouldn't be the source of so much shame and pain. We could just fix something if it's a problem without all the drama.

 

And thanks for the extenders suggestions. I know you don't like them, but I appreciate the advice anyway.

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However, again, I ask you, if you could put yourself in his shoes a moment and imagine that your partner couldn't feel much of anything during intercourse, despite making every effort. Would you be averse to using an extender if the alternative was an end to the relationship?

 

Put that way, I would probably be willing to try it. Embarrassed at first but worth the effort. My gut reaction would be total humiliation, but thinking it over and communicating I would make the effort, yes.

 

In this posting, you come across much clearer to me on where you are coming from and why. It makes perfect sense, even if that last sentence doesn't ! ! !

 

I never see toys as competition to the real thing, and if my partner sees it as a toy more than a compensation, I could live with that.

 

Strangely at work in the adult video store its one of the things I emphasized to guys and gals.

 

They see a 16" dildo/vibrator and go "Oh my god, how does anyone compete with that" I always cleared up any misconception about 'competition" and yes I have sold extensions to guys and gals in the store. I used the line, its adding a new facet to having fun. No different than a guy experimenting with a pocket pal. Its not a substitue for the real thing, just an addition, one more thing to add to your enjoyment. Everyone needs to experiment once in a while. The men might have been dubious but the women loved the explanation. Obviously your wife doesn't JUST need a 12" penis or she would have stayed single and shopped here alone for a Jeff Stryker dildo. You are more than just a penis to her. The guy goes beet red and the woman goes thank you thank you thank you. Damage control for one and contentment for the other!

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Bill,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I know that must have been terribly painful. Do you think it would have been better if she hadn't told you the truth? I sometimes think some truths are just too hurtful, especially when it's something that can't be changed.

I have tried bringing a third party into a relationship I had once. It didn't work. I know it works for some people, but it just violated the sanctity of the relationship, in my experience. (Not the same if you're the third party or if everyone's single.)

In any case, I hope you find someone who loves you enough to work with this.

Afterglow, I truly believe that my wife telling me the truth was the right thing to do. Since I had figured it out anyway, falsehood on her part would have just destroyed my feeling of trust without making me feel better. In fact, I believe in the end we are better off not married to each other. So in an unexpected way, this was a happy ending. tongue.gif

 

I agree with you about third parties, though I have to admit two things. One is, I got a major adrenaline rush from the excitement, some of which was a sad but genuine realization that my fears regarding her desire for big ones was real. My fears were true; I wasn't paranoid, crazy, or being lied to, however tactfully. Maybe it seems strange to some people, but in some ways my wife and I became closer emotionally, knowing we were dealing with each other as we truly were, no facades about her desires and disappointments on this topic and no facades about my fear and disappointment that mine was too small for her. And I was fascinated to see how truly powerful her response was to a guy with a big one, who knew how to use it.

The second point I want to admit is that I was so desperate, and she was so ready to leave, that third parties -- mostly one guy, but some others -- didn't cause it to end. It was going to end anyway, and this way I knew for sure that we had tried everything. I loved her very much, despite feeling hurt, and I wanted to stay married to her. So knowing I had tried everything freed me to accept divorce.

 

So I come down on the side of expressing the truth, though I certainly put a premium on tact and consideration. That's why I chose the signature line I use with this site.

 

I do have some good news. I'm seeing someone who reaches climax by grinding against me, and so she seems not to care much about my size. Right now she's working overseas and so I'm taking some time to work on my stuff while we're apart, including my presence here on the site. I'm really, really hoping this relationship works, and I want to make sure that my insecurities - which are vast, and deeply rooted in experiences -- don't destroy a good thing when she gets back.

 

And of course I'm wishing you the best, too. I'm very interested in seeing how you handle your guy and how everything goes.

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I really detect a level of hatred towards women here. Your statement smacks of sexism--like a woman doesn't deserve top have sexual pleasure. She doesn't even deserve to want it or focus on it when there's a problem. Well, guess what? Women have needs too. Women like sex. Having sexual desire and wanting sexual pleasure is healthy and normal.

 

Re-read my post. I said something like on the other hand I admire people who can put themselves first and "I always feel like a petitioner." I'd never think about my own sexual pleasure during sex, never have. I'd say it is someone else who is projecting assummed "male" attitudes on me where they don't fit.

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For those that haven't figured it out,afterglow is a dude just playing around to get his kicks. Go back and re-read, you will see. Women aren't that damn shallow or stupid. Just reread her (his) posts and get a grip.

 

Yeah, that has occured to me. Another indication is afterglow's concept that the cervix is equal to the back wall of the vagina. Not so according to diagrams viewed from the side. The cervix (opening to the uterus) is on the top of the vaginal channel not at the end. A long penis (not mine) goes under and past the cervix to the back wall. The vagina can then be stretched longitudinally to twice it's normal length or more by a large penis. Some women don't notice the penis passing under the cervix to the back wall of the vagina, others find it painful. The penis hitting the cervix head on is not normally sought-out. Entering the cervix would be rediculous.

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Afterglow wrote, in part: Style rules generally call for use of gender neutral words whenever possible.

Unfortunately the English language provides us with no gender neutral, singular, third person, personal pronoun. We may need one, but it doesn't exist.

 

 

Alan G

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Lloyd, maybe you don't think about it because men don't usually have to work at achieving sexual pleasure. Once they get the "yes" to sex, it's all pretty obvious from there unless they suffer from ED. For women, there are more factors involved. It's not as obvious or simple because so much is hidden from plain site. Now, I do think men tend to get more pleasure from the achievement of pleasing their partners than women do. So I suppose your pleasure could be affected by whether you feel you're pleasing her. But that's sort of what you're saying, I think.

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