Help, Dating a Small Man and Need Advice

[afterglow]

Bill,

I wish you all the luck with this new relationship. And I have to say, six years is longer than any relationship I've had. So making something work for six years is pretty great. Relationships fail for all kinds of reasons. It's hard to make them work. But I'm crossing my fingers for you on this new one!

[afterglow]

Yes, but if he didn't know, he could have referred to her as "your doctor." No pronoun was needed.

[Ulcaster]

I do have some good news. I'm seeing someone

Good for you, bill.

[DesertBill51]

Thanks, Afterglow, Ulcaster.

 

Afterglow, how's it going with your guy now?

[afterglow]

I spent last weekend with him, and we went shopping for toys but didn't find any extenders. We won't be seeing each other again for another two weeks. In the meantime, I'm going to do some ordering online. But I have to say, just feeling like there might be a solution did make me feel better and even enjoy the sex a little more last weekend. However, I get fixated on this. One day I look at him and just think he looks so feminine, and it turns me off. I get repulsed. The next minute, I think he's adorable.

 

I think the weight of this gets to me. Secrets are hard to keep, but I just don't want to hurt him. I want to treat this like it's less of a big deal than it is until I can see if there's a solution.

 

So I guess I'm in a holding pattern for a couple weeks. but I miss the hell out of him, and thanks for asking. The way i feel now: I would be so sad to lose him and not have him in my life. I really am evaluating how important the sex is to me, which is a new thing. I'm so sexual, I find it ironic this is the issue I'm facing. It's always been something else. But there is an emotional piece I've held back because of this too. We've never said, "I love you." We've talked about not saying it. It's like I don't want to over-promise until I know this is somehting I can deal with. I think he'd get married tomorrow.

 

[Outstanding]

Afterglow, pardon my tone but you have no business what so ever telling this guy you love him when you are not even sure you can handle the size of his dick.

 

I have been following this post now for a while and you are not going to be able to deal with his size so you are better of cutting the cord now before this poor guy is subject to a deeper tie and more pain down the road when you ultimately throw in the towel.

 

Just my two cents.

[DesertBill51]

I think the weight of this gets to me. Secrets are hard to keep, but I just don't want to hurt him. I want to treat this like it's less of a big deal than it is until I can see if there's a solution.

 

I'm really pulling for you. I hope it works out. I do worry, though. The experience I've had is that ultimately many women have decided to move on because of my size (and other women for other reasons), no matter what we tried in the way of toys, positions, other partners, anything.

 

I know uptopic you debated the comparison of breasts with someone else, and I don't mean to repeat that. I will just say that the woman I'm involved with now is flat-chested, and I strongly wish that wasn't true. But I love her anyway, and that's a sacrifice I'm making. However, I think if there's a trait we can't get past, no matter what the trait is -- leaving the cap off the toothpaste, a small cock, hating each others' music -- if there's something we can't get past, it's better to move on. Please don't let him move and change jobs if you still have doubts. Frankly, it would be kinder to tell the truth and leave him now than to do it after he makes major changes.

[afterglow]

I want it to work, though. I really care about him. I feel like this is such a no-win situation. I would feel heartbroken without him. We get along better than anyone I've ever been with. He's my best friend. We share the same goals in life. I know there aren't many women here, but I want to have kids. And I've heard once you have kids, sex becomes less important to most women. I'm getting older. It seems like priorities change. But maybe I'm kidding myself.

[Gifted]

I agree with Outstanding. Make your mind up pronto before you give this guy a hefty dose of heartbreak to accompany his small cock.

 

As for kids, hate to sound eugenic or callous but are you sure you want to have them with this guy? They might be born with very small manhood just like him. When you bring a child into the world, you need to take into account whether or not he/she is going to be happy. Just my $0.02, you can ignore it if you want.

[53Jim53]

I want it to work, though. I really care about him. I feel like this is such a no-win situation. I would feel heartbroken without him. We get along better than anyone I've ever been with. He's my best friend. We share the same goals in life. I know there aren't many women here, but I want to have kids. And I've heard once you have kids, sex becomes less important to most women. I'm getting older. It seems like priorities change. But maybe I'm kidding myself.

I really feel for you on this. I went through something like this a long time ago. We got along so great in our personalities, sense of humor, really cared about each other, everything was good, but she really wanted more size. It was important to her. After a lot of silence on the subject, toward the end of the relationship she told me that she'd decided that sex wasn't really so important, that companionship was the most important thing. Not really what a young, self-respecting man wants to hear from an attractive woman. I broke things off not too long after that.

 

I wondered for years if I'd done the right thing. I'm still not sure about it, as she contacted me many years later after a failed marriage (to, I knew from the showers, a much bigger guy) and wanted to get back together. She might have been right, maybe sex wouldn't have been the most important thing. But I think it probably was good that we split. An unhappy marriage or infidelities would have been a much worse outcome.

 

Sorry to ramble about myself. I can really relate to your feelings on this and they stirred up some memories. I truly hope it works out well for you.

[afterglow]

Jim, but maybe she was right. Maybe it's not the most thing. Maybe there would not have been affairs and unhappiness once she accepted it.

[53Jim53]

By the way, you mentioned that you are into yoga. I am too. You might have seen it already, but if not there is an interesting passage in the Kama Sutra about genital size. It classifies men and women into three sizes, essentially small, medium and large. It says the best match will be equal sizes or the man one size larger, not as good the man one size smaller, and worst the man two sizes larger or smaller.

 

There is a little more detail and it uses more colorful language (men are either stallions, bulls, or hares, and women are elephants, mares, or deer).

[53Jim53]

Jim, but maybe she was right. Maybe it's not the most thing. Maybe there would not have been affairs and unhappiness once she accepted it.

Very true, and I guess I'll never know. I think I could have adjusted OK if we had been much more open about it all, but I'm not sure about her.

 

Being for sure older and maybe wiser now, I do think spiritual, emotional, and intellectual compatibility are more important, and it's so rare to find that with someone.

[afterglow]

It is rare and valuable. I've been dating for many years and almost married a man I had great sex with for four years. I would have been miserable, and I'm convinced the marriage would have lasted only about a year.

 

I wonder how much of this has to do with my fear of commitment. The truth is, the sex hasn't worked perfectly, I haven't been out there looking at other men and wanting to cheat. When your emotional needs are met, the sexual ones become more matter of fact, I think. When we're not getting what we need, we eroticize our emotional needs. I was sooooo attracted to my ex who was emotionally unavailable.

 

I feel like, in the moment, I'm not unhappy in this relationship. It's only when I think about THE REST OF MY LIFE, I get scared. Having sex with one person forever is scary, even more so if the sex isn't mind blowing.

 

[afterglow]

BTW, Jim. if she had kept the sex issue to herself, would you have broken up with her. Wasn't the honesty, the pain of knowing what you couldn't take? If she was telling the truth that she could have lived with it, wouldn't it have been better for ehr to keep her mouth shut? It was the ego blow that led to the breakup, right?

[afterglow]

The guy I'm dating is a happy person despite his small penis. I don't think having a child with a small penis would be cruel. Come on! While he hasn't had much success in relationships, he has a fulfilling career he loves, many friendships, and he's a positive, upbeat person.

[53Jim53]

Hi afterglow. Your posts are great and unfortunately work is demanding me at the moment. Rather than fire off something I'll come back later when I have more time to think.

[53Jim53]

It is rare and valuable. I've been dating for many years and almost married a man I had great sex with for four years. I would have been miserable, and I'm convinced the marriage would have lasted only about a year.

 

I wonder how much of this has to do with my fear of commitment. The truth is, even though we're long distance and the sex hasn't worked perfectly, I haven't been out there looking at other men and wanting to cheat. When your emotional needs are met, the sexual ones become more matter of fact, I think. When we're not getting what we need, we eroticize our emotional needs. I was sooooo attracted to my ex who was emotionally unavailable.

 

I feel like, in the moment, I'm not unhappy in this relationship. It's only when I think about THE REST OF MY LIFE, I get scared. Having sex with one person forever is scary, even more so if the sex isn't mind blowing.

I think it's true that sex can be a proxy for what are really emotional issues. I know that's true for me with penis size. I have some self-esteem issues with women and the size thing kind of gets mixed up in that. I've seen guys here without the same emotional stuff but the same size as me or less, who seem a lot happier about their little friends.

 

The fact that you're not interested in other men I think is a very good sign. I can sure undertand, though, that you want to feel fire and passion if you're going to commit for the long run.

[53Jim53]

BTW, Jim. if she had kept the sex issue to herself, would you have broken up with her. Wasn't the honesty, the pain of knowing what you couldn't take? If she was telling the truth that she could have lived with it, wouldn't it have been better for ehr to keep her mouth shut? It was the ego blow that led to the breakup, right?

I knew all along, even though we didn't talk much about it. The first time she put her hand on me, she broke into tears and sobbed for five minutes, and would never tell me why, though I figured it out. I never much wanted to talk about the subject, as we were happy in many ways, including sexually, and I think I didn't want to face the prospect that the problem might be unsolveable and end things.

 

One time I did ask directly about it, and the three word response is still burned in my brain: "I prefer abundance". End of discussion. We were together three years and during that time I heard and overheard her making the usual girl talk admiring larger guys.

 

She did her best to protect my feelings, but I think now if she could have faced up to accepting me as I was and then talked honestly and openly about it, we could have made it work. Or if she could have faced up to the fact that she couldn't live with it, I think we could have parted in a better way. I don't blame her, though, as I was running from it at least as much as she was.

 

When she said near the end that sex isn't important, it wasn't the ego blow that made me end things, as I'd already taken that blow years earlier. I made the hard decision that I thought she would not be happy over the long run. Sex IS important, and we were in our mid-twenties at the time. Looking back, I could have been wrong but, I suspect I wasn't.

 

It sounds like you're more mature now than I was then, so I think you have a better chance at a good outcome, either way it goes. I hope so!

[53Jim53]

Just to clarify, when I said sex IS important, what I meant was that I thought that better sex for her was too important to make things work. I'm sure that's not true for everyone, and I might well have been wrong.

[afterglow]

There is no relationship in which everything is perfect. there will always be something lacking. And when a partner is lacking emotionally, it is unbearably painful. My ex was verbally abusive to me. The scars run deep. This man is generous, caring, present. He's a good man. How important is great sex? We have great foreplay. Maybe with some help intercourse will be better. I spent several years dating a woman who had NO penis, obvioulsy. I wasn't unsatisfied, although returning to men, I realized what I'd been missing. This is a hard call. I know I have to compromise on something if I want marriage and a family. I don't have all the time in the world. My clock is ticking down rapidly. This man would make a tremendous father. In my 20s, it might have been different. I don't know...

[53Jim53]

One more point, if I may, as long as I'm spilling my guts here

 

I've come to think differently, and I think, more healthily about penis size. Now I just think that everybody is different, and it's only a matter of finding a good match. It's not that the man is inadequate or unmanly, or that the woman is brainwashed or shallow. I think if it could be talked about for what it is instead of with all this other stuff attached to it, people could be a lot happier.

 

I think if a woman really does feel her man is less than a man, or if a man thinks his woman is superficial, the real problem is not the size, it's deeper. I think men have gotten the worst of this because of the current fashion in the popular culture for big ones. We're laughed at, indirectly, nearly every day, and many women have bought into the idea, totally apart from real anatomical considerations. You don't hear much about mutual incompatibility, you hear about "too small". I'm sure, too, that a lot of women are very tired of men's irrationalities about it.

 

In any case, I think the size thing can be handled, even if it means finding another partner, without all the hurtful stuff. I'm sure making an effort to approach it this way myself, and I wish I would have done that in the past.

 

Finding out that the size match is not good isn't fun, but practically never is someone an ideal perfect match in every way for someone else, and there's no reason for anyone to feel bad about that. I think a lot of women dream of a kind of knight in shining armor, and a lot of men want to be that, sexually, but real love is more than that. Not talking about you here, afterglow, just in general.

 

It's too bad that, unlike money, or looks, or education, the size issue often doesn't come into play until there is already emtional attachment. That makes it harder. Still, I think a little effort to avoid mixing up real anatomical concerns like yours with all the other stuff that people often associate with penis size should make a hard situation much better. The way you helped your guy with ED and the way he responded to that I think is a great example of being practical and caring and not making a tough problem worse.

 

I've gotten some great reinforcement for this attitude from the the guys, and especially the ladies here. I may not be so philosophical about it the next time this comes up in a relationship, but I'm going to try.

[53Jim53]

Looks like we were both thinking the same thing about no relationship being perfect. That's tough about your last guy. I'm glad this one is much better, even with the problem.

 

I have a divorced friend who always says, only half jokingly, that she'd only remarry if it could be to five husbands. One for money, one for looks, one for intellect, one for sex, and one for sense of humor. It's tough finding a good partner. I suppose your clock is ticking, but it's all relative and you seem very young to me . I have friends and family who had children in their forties.

[afterglow]

I think everything you've said is 100% right on. I'd like to treat this like the ED. It's an issue we can maybe fix. it might turn out we're just not compatible, and there's nothing we can do. But I'd like to try without all the emotional drama. We avoided it with the ED, and he was so appreciative of how I handled it. With care, patience and concern for his needs and mine. What you said about size and emotional attachment is true too. By the time we got the ED fixed, we'd been dating for months, and of course, we've been friends for years. I didn't find out we weren't a fit until we were already every attached, which makes it so much harder.

 

As for the five guys thing, I can relate to that. I wish polyamory weren't so emotionally loaded and was socially acceptable and actually worked. But I don't think in most cases it works out that way. Thanks again for your feedback. And thanks for not accusing me of being stupid, shallow or some man coming here to taunt you guys!

[fattyman223]

.