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Torture...


HeBerger

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I'm 38, in a relationship with a woman my age, Sarah. We have been together for three and a half years and we go along ok, it's not always easy, but there is real love. About a year ago I asked her about her earlier sexual experiences. We have good sex but I know she isn't totally into me or the way I relate to her sexually. Her past boyfriends were more sensuous and expressed themselves much more through sport, physical activity and sex, and she misses that kind of physical presence.

 

So we were talking about her past experiences (she had sex with nine guys before me) and I couldn't help asking her about penis size and variety. I should maybe say that I have an average penis (14cm/4,5cm around), and that I have always been mildly interested in size, and have often fantasized about having a larger organ. When I asked her if she had seen much difference in terms of size, she first said that it was mostly the samish size in all guys. She seems to think I have a nice rather lavish penis, and has told me that she thought it was rather on the large side.

 

Then I pressed her a little, and she asked why I wanted to know, whether I felt insecure about it. I insisted a little and she told me there had been one big penis. I wish I hadn't pressed for details, but I just couldn't help it, so I got to know things that have made me anxious, depressed, obsessed, and I still have a hard time coping with it sometimes.

 

She was 23 when it happened, had slept with five guys previously and was studying at university. She told me the guy's name was Dominic and that it had only been a couple of one-night stands rather a real relationship. She knew him through a couple of one-night stands rather a real relationship. She knew him through a girlfriend, and the guy was nice enough to let them use his apartment in Paris to study. He was interested in literature and was three years older than she was. He took a fancy in Sarah, and he really courted her. She was flattered and gave in to his advances also because she wanted to show some gratitude for his interest and for his generosity. Then it happened one night, at his place with the lights off. He was apparently very decided to have her, very aroused and less sensuous than strong and a little intimidating. She told me she didn't really like his sensuality and touch but that she went with it, and tried to enjoy the moment. Then they got naked, and she started touching him, feeling his penis. The sensation of his member in her hand surprised her completely, and scared her a little. She obviously hadn't seen it then, and even when she did later on, her description was vague, but she said that she had been a little shocked by how large it felt in her hand, how big and heavy, how different from what she was used to. Then when he entered her it was the same, she told me that it was so different, that he felt extremely thick and large, and that she was more scared and a little put-off than aroused. The sex was ok, nothing special apparently, just the strangeness and novelty of something so big taking up so much space inside.

 

Later on she saw him nude, and thought that he had an enormous penis. She told me it didn't look very attractive, rather a little freakish, that it was way too big.

 

It didn't keep her from seeing him again, two or three times. When I pointed that out, she got a little angry and told me that she had been alone for some time, and that she had really tried to make something happen between them, and that she didn't care how big his penis was!

I asked her about pleasure and size and she said that it wasn't important, that it felt very different but not necessarily better, just very full. I asked her whether that fullness wasn't arousing or stimulating. She said that she didn't know how she would have reacted if she had been in love with him, that she would have certainly been more inclined to appreciate and like it. She has told me that she would like a big penis if she loved the guy, but that she didn't fantasize about that. But in the event, his organ just felt extremely big and penetration wasn't really easy. She told me that it often hurt a little, that she always felt too tight, and that so big wasn't very pleasant. They stopped seeing each other because she just didn't love him enough, and she even cried the last time they had sex because she didn't really want to be there.

 

Talking about it, she told me again and again that she hadn't been turned on by his bigness, that she hadn't really liked it when they made love. She said that she didn't see anything arousing or interesting in a penis that large.

 

So I shouldn't worry, especially because she likes mine so much, but I know I haven't made her notice the first night, like he did. She really reacted to his size, and not to mine which is more modest of course.

When I let on that I would love to be bigger, she always says that she wouldn't want a bigger penis, that pleasure only comes from size when the act is really mechanical and without feeling. The last time we talked about it, she said that mine was well proportioned to my body, and that a bigger, thicker one wouldn't suit me. That hurt for some reason.

 

So there we are, I sometimes think I have come to terms with all that, but then I often find myself thinking about Dominic and his big penis.

I feel foolish for brooding about it, but I really have a hard time believing that she can see me as sexually interesting or stimulating, after having had that guy.

 

I know intellectually that my penis doesn't represent me or my masculinity, but emotionally it's very different. I'm jealous of the thoughts of bigness he instilled in her, of catching her attention that first night, and her eye later on.

 

Ok, so I know this is bound to sound rather superficial and immature, but I still get so anxious about it. Things she said have haunted me ever since.

 

Thank you for taking the time, I'll be glad to read any opinion, and it did me good to let it out in the open!

 

Take care,

Julien

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My friend has a 57 cadillac. Its massive and shiny, looks impressive. Its not what I WANT though. Sure I took it for a spin, novelty item. I won't buy one though. I have a 914 instead. I love it.

 

Your better half took a joy ride, it was a novelty, it felt different but she sure didn't want what he had. She has what she loves. If you traded in your penis for a cadillac version she would be disappointed. Is your penis to pleasure your wife or yourself.

 

ps. I was in a 10 year relationship, smaller penis and all. After 2 years apart we are starting to rebuild a relationship (maybe). I asked him why he hasn't found Mr Right yet and he said, I think I have already.

mmmmm oldish, a few health problems, partial dentures, glasses, going grey and bald, developing a beer belly, smallish penis, acne scars, unfit and he still wants me...hmmmm what is the attraction, can't be just physical.

 

I need to stop asking why and accept. As I am not a scientist I really don't care about the why's and hows of life. I accept and enjoy most of it instead.

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I need to stop asking why and accept. As I am not a scientist I really don't care about the why's and hows of life. I accept and enjoy most of it instead.

 

 

You know, that's probably the most intellegent thing I've read in a long time. I wish someone had said that to me 30-35 years ago. Makes me wonder what my life would have been like to just accept and enjoy instead of wasting that time wondering "why".

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I think the whole concept of a woman having been "ruined" by some guy in her past is hogwash, although I think it is widely believed. I suspect that mistaken belief is why so many guys like the idea of marrying a virgin and have for centuries.

 

Where my wife is concerned, I have been with taller, bigger boobs, better blow-jobs, etc. But I don't want any of those other women, and I certainly don't fantasize about them. I want my wife.

 

I think what Canuck said is right, but in your case, your wife wasn't even looking to go for a spin. She wasn't searching for a guy with a big dick. It found her.

 

Does having ridden the fastest roller coaster in the world mean I can never enjoy another roller coaster? Of course, not!

 

A piece of advice: If you can't get past your insecurities, at least try to keep them to yourself. Don't burden your wife with them. There is absolutely nothing she can say that will change how you feel. That kind of change has to come from within. Good luck, and welcome to MR.

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Well, I have certainly heard a lot of guys tell the same story about their woman had an ex who was much larger, and how it has haunted them.

 

But you know what, no matter how big you are, there is certain to be another guy that is larger and that will be true even for guys who are big to the point of having penises that are just about not usable.

 

It should be no surprise that she would have taken notice of a penis much larger than all those she had previously encountered. If I were a woman, I would certainly have done so, especially if I was anticipating having it inserted into me. And it sounds like the "thoughts of bigness" he instilled in her are not all that great.

 

I could tell a similar story. My wife had a fair amount of sexual experience before we met and admits to a couple dozen partners. I am not small (around 7" NBPEL and around 5.75" average girth) and my wife does indicate that I am larger than the average penis size she had experienced. But she admitted that there was one guy who was pretty enormous.

 

She doesn't have any idea what size he would have been in terms of inch dimensions, but using the length of her hand as a reference and comparing it to my erection she estimated that he was about 2" longer and a bit thicker, so my guess is that he was in the neighborhood of 9" x 6". i.e, pornstar size.

 

He was also apparently tall, good-looking, had a very nice apartment and a decent car, and was a college senior, all of which score points with a sophomore college coed, which is what she was when she met him.

 

As for the "penis experience" it sounds very similar to what your woman described only they were together for months rather than a few nights. She said he was uncomfortable to have sex with, and was a somewhat selfish lover as well. Furthermore, after a few months she started to experience vaginal bleeding from a cervical erosion resulting from the battering that her cervix had been subjected to. That pretty much necessitated a period of abstinence for her that signaled the end of their relationship.

 

No matter what your size, there are tons of guys in the world who are larger, some much larger, and there is no earthly reason why a woman you have a relationship with might not have encountered one along the way as was the case with my wife. I don't feel particularly threatened by that happenstance.

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Hey Guy!

 

"Torture," as the title of this thread, is a completely inaccurate and incorrect heading. Upon first seeing it, I envisioned all sorts of gruesome BDSM scenarios.

 

Instead, what I actually read was an all-inclusive, internal mind-fuck-game based on your continuous pressuring for more and more information, well beyond even TMI, consciously and deliberately pushing and then feeding yourself with any angle which could in any way be twisted, warped, and tinged with negativity. As a result, the altered title, "Self-Torture," would have been far more accurate and far more honest.

 

"Torture" makes it sound like you're merely the passing "innocent victim." And you're not. Instead, you're both the perpetrator and the "victim," and quite possibly a willing "victim" who revels in the mistaken notion of playing "innocent victim," while simultaneously quite enjoying his own negative, self-made mind-fuck-game.

 

Rick

 

 

 

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She told me it didn't look very attractive, rather a little freakish, that it was way too big.

 

It didn't keep her from seeing him again, two or three times. When I pointed that out, she got a little angry and told me that she had been alone for some time, and that she had really tried to make something happen between them, and that she didn't care how big his penis was!

 

Ok, the above is the worst part. . . you think she is probably lying around the edges and really found the large penis outstanding!

 

But, it's ok for her to lie either in attempt to spare your feelings or deny to herself just how lustful she got. . . Well, maybe it's not completely OK, but, face it, most people are not complete honest about such things.

 

In any case, here is the big news: some guys are way better than you (and me and everyone else) in bed whether by big penis or not! Your woman may have had passing flings with some of them and enjoyed them more than you! However, she is now with you for a variety of reasons! Make the most of it AND DON'T TORTURE HER ABOUT HER PAST!

 

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Thanks, I know you're right and that I'm being a little childish, that I should move on.

She was with that guy less than a week, she's been with me three and a half years, so yes that has to count for something.

What I can't shake off is the envious feeling, he had the power to amaze her, to call her attention to his dick, and I don't. Well tough titty, I should indeed just move on, but I wonder why It is so important for me to impress her like that. Do I want to dominate her? Is it that simple? Is it a self-esteem question, where my penis stands up as a symbol for my virility and maybe all my personnality? All that rolled up in one?

 

I don't think there are many guys who have never projected at least a tiny amount of their male identity in their dongs.

Have a nice day all you people!

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Thanks, I know you're right and that I'm being a little childish, that I should move on.

She was with that guy less than a week, she's been with me three and a half years, so yes that has to count for something.

What I can't shake off is the envious feeling, he had the power to amaze her, to call her attention to his dick, and I don't. Well tough titty, I should indeed just move on, but I wonder why It is so important for me to impress her like that. Do I want to dominate her? Is it that simple? Is it a self-esteem question, where my penis stands up as a symbol for my virility and maybe all my personnality? All that rolled up in one?

 

I don't think there are many guys who have never projected at least a tiny amount of their male identity in their dongs.

Have a nice day all you people!

 

Your response above is very insightful.

 

I think men instinctively want to impress with their cock and are disappointed if they can't or don't.

 

I've had very similar feelings and have always been disappointed that in spite of some very active periods when I was younger, NEVER seemed to impress with my cock (much smaller than you). In fact, some girls who expressed interest in my cock before they saw it, mysteriously became silent after they saw it.

 

Probably similar to how women like to impress with their big breast, but, I dare say, the cock is more central to male identity than the breast to male identity probably because it is functional during sex and for procreation, not just decorative or "for the baby"!

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Yes I tend to agree with you.

 

I think one of the phantasmagorical advantages of a sizable penis is that it "forces" women to notice and be impressed, whether there is love, affective connection, trust and desire, a strong masculinity or not. In that light, a big penis does, in fantasy land, spare us the "work" required to establish intimacy and connection, love and desire.

No wonder it doesn't really work in real life ;) !

 

As one poster mentioned, Sarah didn't like it. She noticed, but wasn't "impressed" in a positive sense. But what matters in the above stated fantasy is the "signaling effect" of a hefty member, so catching her eye, making her notice, maybe even scaring her a little, all means the same: we have projected our power, virility and self-confidence on her, as if all of that resided in our penis. What is important is to make that woman notice, and make us feel good about the place where our virility is, psychologically, encapsulated.

 

But if we place so much emphasis on our penis, charge it with so much symbolic value, if we compensate so much that way, that can only mean that there are a number of things we don't do nearly enough. Namely, impressing her but with our love, our desire, our virility put in actions and not just in flesh.

 

Thinking about it all, I think in my case, a big penis is the substitute for: connecting, expressing emotions, desire and maybe even animality, being sexy and sensuous, being self confident, feeling manly...

 

So there's a lot of work ahead ;) !

 

Putting it all in words helps though, thanks!

 

Be well,

Julian

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Hi, Julien. Thanks for sharing this interesting story. I imagine a lot of guys here feel a bit "haunted" by the "wow" factor their girlfriends experienced with prior large-hung boyfriends.

 

But at the risk of practicing therapy without a license, I think you're fixating on YOUR issue with penis size while ignoring the really important messages that your girlfriend has been brave enough to share with you. The sex she truly enjoyed in the past (according to your post) wasn't with Mr. Big; it took place with men who were sporty and playful. This seems like good news to me: You can't enlarge your dick (at least not easily), but you CAN adopt (at least once in a while) a sportier, more playful attitude toward sex.

 

Happy bed-bouncing!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I joined this forum specifically to reply to this thread. I know what you are thinking, you think that this was the best experience she has had and she fantasizes about it all the time. I believe every woman has had one guy that was huge but before you start getting too down on yourself, think about what she goes through as you stare at the girl with the huge rack or perfect ass that walks by or questions you about all your exes. It's the same thing. You must have had a girl that rocked your world in the past as well that you fantasize about as well. Just be thankful that you are with her and if she ever were to cheat on you just to get a big dick for one night, then it's not worth it for you anyways but it sounds like she is not going to do that to you

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