Divorced or "Married and no sex at home"?

[Guest]

3 hours ago, mjjm said:

I never called you a liar nor would I ever. 
 

 

Well you said you had trouble believing the crazy sex couple who loathe each other. Which is at its heart basically saying you don’t believe me. Which is basically saying I made it up. Which is lying. 
  But anyway. There’s no hard feelings and no point in going over and over it all. It is what it is. You can choose not to believe it. 
  Sex can’t sustain a relationship alone. It’s not possible. It’s definitely possible to sustain a loving and happy relationship without having sex with each other however. I know lots of people that do it. So there you have it. That’s my entire point. 

[mjjm]

No I did not say I did not believe you.

I said I didn’t believe the story. 

Two entirely different things.

Many of us are told things and we believe them to be true and tell others the story believing them to be true but they are not.

I’m sure you can think of many instances where what I’m saying has happened before in your lifetime. 
 

I would only call someone a liar in person. 
 

My wife is the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life. Before I had sex with someone else male or female I would ask my wife. That idea would be shot down unless it was her idea/ fantasy. So far that has not happened. 
 

My wife can have sex with anyone she wants. No permission from me is required. 
 

So I do understand alternative marriage arrangements. But I don’t understand cheating/ deceit or no sex at all in a relationship.  

[smokeylink]

I've been debating joining in on this conversation for quite a while now. Mark me down as one who is in a happy sexless marriage. We had lots of sex in our early days but the sexual excitement slowly died down over the years and now we have gone more than a decade without sex. Neither of us has ever cheated on each other nor would we. We love each other very much and lead very busy lives together. We're getting ready to go on our belated 30th anniversary trip which was delayed due to covid 19. We do almost everything together. We have season tickets to all of our local sports teams, we travel around the globe to go to blues music festivals. We have also gone on nearly as many cruises as the number of years we've been married. We both have been working from home since the covid thing started so we are even together during business hours now. I hope everyone here is leading their own version of a happy life whether they are is a sexless relationship or not. I've have a few friends in their late 50's and early 60's who have always been single and have had very little sexual relationships. One of our friends has never had sex and he leads his own happy life. 

[tomishere]

To the guys who's wifes have medical issues that prevent them form being sexual, you stand by them, and I greatly admire that. This is an example of true love, and I would hope that I am capable of doing the same. However if it's because she doesn't feel like it, or lost interests I wouldn't put up with that. I would of course explore what is wrong and work to fix any issues. There is no way I would stay married and live a sexless life. I'm far to horney my sex drive is high for my age, I would not tolerate all that rejection. But then I'm a bit of a caveman.

[smallpei]

We are who we are.  I think its very important for couples to talk before they get married as to expectations, backup plans etc.  In my case, my wife's asexuality fit rather nicely into one of my fetishes so that helped.

There is no right or wrong response.  

[smaragdus]

A lot of your experiences chime with mine. Married 30 years and still very much in love with my wife, and still find her incredibly sexy. We had a healthy sex life, though not as frequent as I would have liked. Since she started her menopause her sex drive has shot to zero, and we haven't had sex of any kind for 5 years now. We talk about the situation occasionally, but not often because it upsets her. She feels guilty because she knows I still want to have sex, but she just can't face it and has no desire for it. She used to like giving me oral, or mutual pleasuring, but we don't do anything any more, and she is reluctant even to touch because, she says, she is afraid I will take it as cock-teasing. She's more upset about the guilt than about missing sex. Which of course I can't help but taking as a reflection of how average the sex with me must have been for her all those years. The situation has changed me as well - it has brought out a sexually submissive side in me and I have turned, like many others, to gay as well as straight porn. I don't want an affair, still less a divorce, but the occasional gay hook-up for oral sex, and visits to male saunas, are basically what my sex life has turned into. Not happy about it, of course, but I can't see any improvement as she seems to have accepted that sex is just a thing of the past for us. 

[smallgrower]

Sadly I feel my wife and I are falling into this situation as well.  Not sure what the answer is.  I love her deeply and love spending time doing whatever. Love traveling with her and the day to day stuff.  Just she has lost most all interest in sex and I have not.  Though I masturbate a lot, I am not in a relationship with a partner, to just be servicing myself.  I love PIV sex and that is not something I am ready or willing to want to lose.  

[Danli]

I'm gay. Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship is great. We love each other so much. He make me feel loved Every single day. The only thing that bothers me is that we don't really have sex. Mostly we just give blowjobs once a week or 2 weeks. We had sex when we first started dating. He couldn't keep being hard for a long time his dick kept slipping out. He's a very proud man. After that we never tried anal sex again. I tried to talk to him about our sex. He was kinda hurt when I talked to him about sex. I tried to tell him I don't mind what is happening. I just want to be intimate with him. I want him to feel comfortable with me no matter what. He's just too proud he felt sorry that he couldn't give me the pleasure that I want. But nothing has changed. We talked about it a few times. They Didn't went well. I don't know what to do. I love him but part of our relationship is missing. But i have never cheated. I had that thought just didn't do it. I have my needs. I want it. I need it. I'm only 27 he's 37. I need advice. Any advice will be appreciated. 

[smallgrower]

@Danli I cannot offer anything specific to your relationship but what I can offer is something specific to ALL relationships.  Open and honest communication is key to all great relationships.  You must be able to openly and honestly talk about the most private, the most intimate, the most embarrassing parts of yourself and your relationship.  If you have a partner who cannot have this with you, the relationship will be doomed to fail or at best, be very one sided and end up with resentment.

My first wife and I never had real, honest, open communication and what communication we had we mostly anger and pushing the other's buttons.  It was a horrible 11 years.  I remarried a wonderful woman who we both share very open, honest communications, even when it might be about the hard, difficult and embarrassing parts of our lives.  Having a partner who does not judge you, who truly cares about the well being of both parties and the relationship, is the key to a happy, long and loving relation.  Sure there are times that are not great but those have been few and far between, because we do have the difficult conversations.  We don't let things fester and fill ourselves with resentment, anger or hurt.

If your partner is so "proud" to not be able to talk about the issues, your needs, your feelings, your sex lives, this is likely not going to end well in the long run.  There are relationships that do not involve sex but those only work when both parties want the same thing.  If your partner is not willing to talk about the issue of sex or lack of it, I would be hard pressed to want to invest so much of my life with this person.  It begs the question, what else might they not be talking about.  You need to have the conversation, which if he is not willing to, it might be time to move on.  You don't want to have a lifetime of regret or resentment.

[smallpei]

On 9/10/2021 at 10:39 AM, smaragdus said:

A lot of your experiences chime with mine. Married 30 years and still very much in love with my wife, and still find her incredibly sexy. We had a healthy sex life, though not as frequent as I would have liked. Since she started her menopause her sex drive has shot to zero, and we haven't had sex of any kind for 5 years now. We talk about the situation occasionally, but not often because it upsets her. She feels guilty because she knows I still want to have sex, but she just can't face it and has no desire for it. She used to like giving me oral, or mutual pleasuring, but we don't do anything any more, and she is reluctant even to touch because, she says, she is afraid I will take it as cock-teasing. She's more upset about the guilt than about missing sex. Which of course I can't help but taking as a reflection of how average the sex with me must have been for her all those years. The situation has changed me as well - it has brought out a sexually submissive side in me and I have turned, like many others, to gay as well as straight porn. I don't want an affair, still less a divorce, but the occasional gay hook-up for oral sex, and visits to male saunas, are basically what my sex life has turned into. Not happy about it, of course, but I can't see any improvement as she seems to have accepted that sex is just a thing of the past for us. 

Menopause and perimenopause cause a lot of marriages to go sexless.  Erectile dysfunction too, and although there are pills for that they are nit fir everyone.  Unfortunately, sex seems too tied to intercourse and what are needed is fewer sexless marriages and more intercourse free marriages.  When vaginas get sore and dry and penises soft and limp, give up intercourse but build up intimacy.  Kissing, cuddling, oral, manual etc. 

[P-nuts]

Sounds like at my household, Cannot even get a play nite anymore. Good to chat with you all to know I am not alone

 

[Emrehl]

On 9/25/2021 at 1:18 PM, smallpei said:

Menopause and perimenopause cause a lot of marriages to go sexless.  Erectile dysfunction too, and although there are pills for that they are nit fir everyone.  Unfortunately, sex seems too tied to intercourse and what are needed is fewer sexless marriages and more intercourse free marriages.  When vaginas get sore and dry and penises soft and limp, give up intercourse but build up intimacy.  Kissing, cuddling, oral, manual etc. 

This is my first post here and I am not replying to smallpei specifically, but to all that said their wifes/partners gave up sex when they reached menopause or a certain age.

Even though marriage does not equal intercourse, having one with the other is the best of both worlds. I am surprised not a single person here mentioned Hormone Replacement Therapy, both for females and males. Such a simple solution, that involves hardly any effort, money and remedies. It can make a world of difference.

For sex to occur there needs to be desire and arousal. HRT takes care of the later and helps with the former. I understand there is a sort of tabu surrounding the theme, but it is a lame one and the discussion with your physician should be about facts, not myths.

My wife is nearing 60 years of age. I love her now more than ever before. I would not leave her for lack of sex, but thankfully she's been on HRT for 10 years or so and our sex life has never been better.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Emrehl

[SloStroker]

My wife has never enjoyed sex much. Partly because I have a small penis and partly because her vibrator gets her off better than anything. We seldom have intercourse, but I get to watch her masturbate a couple times a month.

[P-nuts]

Sounds like my wife...do not mind cause she is happy and I enjoy watching her

[SloStroker]

20 hours ago, P-nuts said:

Sounds like my wife...do not mind cause she is happy and I enjoy watching her

Same here. She's so sexy when she masturbates.

[Macro]

If you don't care about sex anymore (as some men don't), then it's fine to have a sexless marriage.

If you do care about sex, you should be getting it.  Don't let your wife guilt you into thinking that you don't need it, because she either doesn't desire it anymore or because you aren't satisfying her.  If it's a matter of you not satisfying her, then ask what she'd like you to do differently.  If it's a matter of her not wanting sex anymore, you need to insist that you need it anyway in order to feel fulfilled in the marriage.  If she absolutely refuses to have sex with you, then you should give an ultimatum that you either need to be allowed to seek it elsewhere, or you'll leave.

Don't just sit there in misery and shrug your shoulders that life sucks.  Definitely don't turn to sex with men, as if that's not cheating.  It definitely is, and in fact it puts your wife at substantial risk for HIV due to the much higher risk of contracting it from gay sex than straight sex.

[6INCHES66]

@Macro  So you would leave a perfectly good marriage over a lack of sex? That is pathetic and immature.
 

Edited January 28, 2022 by RodEnuf
Removed unnecessary 100% quote of immediately preceding quote.

[Macro]

13 hours ago, 6INCHES66 said:

So you would leave a perfectly good marriage over a lack of sex? That is pathetic and immature.

If there isn't sex anymore, and at least one of the two people want it, then it's not a perfectly good marriage.

It's pathetic and immature to tell someone that they have to just do without a major part of being in a committed relationship.

So what would you do in this spot?  Cheat with men?

[6INCHES66]

12 hours ago, Macro said:

If there isn't sex anymore, and at least one of the two people want it, then it's not a perfectly good marriage.

It's pathetic and immature to tell someone that they have to just do without a major part of being in a committed relationship.

So what would you do in this spot?  Cheat with men?

 I go on loving my wife until death do us part! Sex or no sex. That is the mature thing to do.

[Morty]

@6INCHES66 give him hell wonder how he would feel if there was a illness that caused that and she told him to shinny up a tree

[nicejuciyboy]

On 9/6/2021 at 2:15 PM, smokeylink said:

I've been debating joining in on this conversation for quite a while now. Mark me down as one who is in a happy sexless marriage. We had lots of sex in our early days but the sexual excitement slowly died down over the years and now we have gone more than a decade without sex. Neither of us has ever cheated on each other nor would we. We love each other very much and lead very busy lives together. We're getting ready to go on our belated 30th anniversary trip which was delayed due to covid 19. We do almost everything together. We have season tickets to all of our local sports teams, we travel around the globe to go to blues music festivals. We have also gone on nearly as many cruises as the number of years we've been married. We both have been working from home since the covid thing started so we are even together during business hours now. I hope everyone here is leading their own version of a happy life whether they are is a sexless relationship or not. I've have a few friends in their late 50's and early 60's who have always been single and have had very little sexual relationships. One of our friends has never had sex and he leads his own happy life. 

i am about your size and thats inspiring to me, such a heartwarming thing to hear

 

[Macro]

On 1/28/2022 at 2:23 PM, Morty said:

@6INCHES66 give him hell wonder how he would feel if there was a illness that caused that and she told him to shinny up a tree

Nobody said anything about an illness. 

Even if the lack of sex is caused by an illness, if a woman is able bodied enough to live daily life normally, she's able bodied enough to do something like give a hand job.

There is simply no excuse for a sexless marriage, unless both parties no longer care about sex.

[Morty]

@Marco that’s pretty selfish of you to expect someone to preform because you say so. I wonder how you would feel if for some reason you didn’t way too and she demanded you preform. I think she would have the same EQUAL rights as you to say NO it’s her body and her rights. I think you need to grow up and be a man and consider her feelings not yours maybe you should go your own way

[SloStroker]

I believe anyone has the right to choose not to have sex. But it's total crap to refuse sex to your spouse than forbid them from getting it from someone else and if they do you take half of everything they worked their entire life for.

[Morty]

I guess I have a whole different idea of what marriage is about I’m sure my age and maturity plays a part. I don’t believe anyone has the right to demand that anyone become there slaves I would like to see him squirm or anyone else for that fact if the show was in the other foot. I’ll say no more in this subject cause I don’t want to become the real ass hole I am and blow you and him out of the water and get kicked off. Maybe when you both grow up we will talk till then buzz off