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Hey guys. Long time lurker but first post. I'm 30 years old but have only now started my first relationship since I've dealt with penis size insecurities and other confidence issues for years. The issue that I'm having is I have no control over myself when I'm with my girlfriend. It's preventing us from having sex and its starting to take a toll on both of us. We've been together for 5 months but got to know each other over several months before that. I'm very much into her but I'm afraid that if I can't solve this problem it wont last. I've always had issues controlling myself but its never been a problem keeping me from having a complete relationship before so now I'm at a loss for what to do. 

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If you're saying that you are having a problem with premature ejaculation, therapy might involve taking simple steps, such as masturbating an hour or two before intercourse so that you're able to delay ejaculation during sex. You can also check out the Treatment section of the Premature Ejaculation article at UrologyHealth.org.

If your problem is not premature ejaculation, you're going to have to explain what you mean by "no control" over yourself.


Alan G

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On 12/29/2019 at 11:07 PM, baby dick said:

Hey guys. Long time lurker but first post. I'm 30 years old but have only now started my first relationship since I've dealt with penis size insecurities and other confidence issues for years. The issue that I'm having is I have no control over myself when I'm with my girlfriend. It's preventing us from having sex and its starting to take a toll on both of us. We've been together for 5 months but got to know each other over several months before that. I'm very much into her but I'm afraid that if I can't solve this problem it wont last. I've always had issues controlling myself but its never been a problem keeping me from having a complete relationship before so now I'm at a loss for what to do. 

What kind of control issues?  My assumption is premature ejaculation but I guess it could also be inability to get an erection? 

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Are you using your mouth and your tongue on your girlfriend? 
  How quickly does your penis recover once you have cum? Some guys cum quickly and then in ten minutes they are hard as a rock again. There is a gel that reduces sensitivity I think, and also toys on the market that you could use on each other. 

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  • 4 months later...

If I may tag onto this thread...

Was chatting with my roommate who is hung so it was more like tolerating his bragging about how good he is in bed. He kept mentioning that he could go as long as he wanted then cum when he wanted. Sometimes going a couple hours. Hearing stories like that really got to me and my self worth as a man. Till recently he was more detailed. He said that when he wants to cum he squeezes his ass tight and will cum, whenever he wants. I had heard that scenario several times when chatting with hung guys and thought it was a big dick thing. But this time it clicked after I started asking more questions. He is totally relaxed while having sex. Completely relaxed. When I'm masturbating or having sex I'm tense and can feel a tight connection between my penis and my PC muscle. What I am trying to do or figure out is how to disconnect the PC muscle from my dick and relax. I've been reading online and it seems kids who masturbate quickly as to not get caught will teach their body to come quickly which is where I am at. 

My question is how can I un-train that connection to my PC and keep it relaxed? 

Mods, If I need to start a new thread I will. Was hoping to keep momentum going with this one.

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On 1/4/2020 at 7:42 AM, JamesD said:

To bad the OP hasn't returned.  Odd that he didn't specify the type of control issue he was experiencing.  

To compound the issue, he has a private profile, so we can't learn anything there.

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I'm unclear how edging will help. When I attempt to edge I'll get close every few seconds and stop for a bit but edging doesn't seem to enable my ability to relax those muscles. As soon as I begin to masturbate or edge I'll feel those muscles tighten. 

It was suggested elsewhere to edge for an hour or two but I can't seem to get past a minute or two.

Reverse kegels seem to provide an additional few seconds before busting.

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@aquarock You might want to look up a tantrika. This is the kind of thing they deal with. I have heard good things.

Years ago I knew a well-hung guy who bragged about his staying power. He said he would wait until his partner was trembling and gasping before he let loose.

Then one day he went to a Asian massage parlor, or AMP as they are known. After the massage, he flipped over and the masseuse oiled him up and tugged him off so that he gushed after no more than a minute or two. He was dumbfounded.

It had two effects: he stopped bragging, and he became addicted to AMPs.

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I've worked with a tantric goddess before but will reach out to her with my specific concerns. Its a physical disconnect that needs to happen. As it sits I cum so quickly that an AMP would be a waste of money but does sound interesting.  A couple years ago I was getting a massage in Vegas and it only took about 5 seconds to achieve ejaculation. I was hella embarrassed and the person giving the massage was hella proud of himself. Even commented that I was the quickest he had ever seen. I never went back

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When I'm edging and this depends on me I will edge till I get close then stop for sometimes a few minutes or longer then start again. I've been know to bring myself to the very edge then stop and roll over and go to sleep. Other times I know the head of my penis becomes very sensitive so I masturbate only the shaft switching hands a lot and this also makes me last a long time.  Sometimes my edging sessions last a couple of days before I let myself go. 

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I guess I haven't been clear what my intention is. To stop the pulling of the PC muscle when my penis is being stimulated. I can feel it like my body is doing a kegel as soon as pressure is being applied. Last night all I did was try to relax during masturbation and stop that reflex. I'm unclear how edging will stop that reflex.

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As it is I cant stroke without the muscles getting tight. When I hold my penis there isn't any muscle tension but as soon as I stroke I can feel it tighten so I will stop. Doing that a few times will lead to my ejaculating 

I did reach out to my Tantric Goddess and she said she will work a program to help with that but said it will take time to recondition myself.

 

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I have had Tantric massages several times from the same guy. He has worked with me on total relaxation while he works on every inch of my body. I start face down and he works his hands from my toes to my head. Then he does the same as I'm laying on my back. only he doesn't touch my genitals. After he is finished, he does a Lingam massage. While I'm rock hard, he massages my penis, balls, and prostate, all while encouraging my total relaxation. He ends by using different techniques to massage my shaft and glans, without actually stroking me. He can sense when I'm about to have an orgasm and he begins to massage my frenulum area with his thumbs. He continues the massage as I start ejaculating causing me to have multiple, extremely intense and mind blowing orgasms. I'm totally exhausted when he is finished.

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11 hours ago, aquarock said:

I've worked with a tantric goddess before but will reach out to her with my specific concerns. Its a physical disconnect that needs to happen. As it sits I cum so quickly that an AMP would be a waste of money but does sound interesting.  A couple years ago I was getting a massage in Vegas and it only took about 5 seconds to achieve ejaculation. I was hella embarrassed and the person giving the massage was hella proud of himself. Even commented that I was the quickest he had ever seen. I never went back

Well you would be going for more than just five seconds of pleasure. 

 

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11 hours ago, Nillywilly said:

@aquarock You might want to look up a tantrika. This is the kind of thing they deal with. I have heard good things.

Years ago I knew a well-hung guy who bragged about his staying power. He said he would wait until his partner was trembling and gasping before he let loose.

Then one day he went to a Asian massage parlor, or AMP as they are known. After the massage, he flipped over and the masseuse oiled him up and tugged him off so that he gushed after no more than a minute or two. He was dumbfounded.

It had two effects: he stopped bragging, and he became addicted to AMPs.

Well the girls are paid by the customer not by the hour so they know what they are doing. For me the warm oil they use makes me cum faster than usual. Usually about 1.5-2 minutes.

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  • 7 months later...

Oh wow guys I got so busy with life that I forgot to follow up with this thread. Sorry I wasn't more specific with my problem. I'm still ashamed to even talk about it on an anonymous website. I do have both premature ejaculation and trouble getting and keeping erections. It's so bad that it prevents me from having intercourse much of the time. And when I can penetrate I explode instantly. My fiancee is incredibly supportive and loving. She tries her best not to make me feel bad but I do feel ashamed  because I know its my fault. I don't want her to think that I'm selfish and don't care about her and  I'm always apologizing for ruining sex. I just would like to be better not just for me but for her. I know she must be freaking out over spending the rest of her life having awful sex with me. 

Edited by baby dick
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Nothing to be ashamed off...but there are ways to slow things down....
Speak to your doctor about it,
We have a heart problem, we see a doctor
Have a foot problem, we see a doctor
Have a penis problem, we see a doctor

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premature-ejaculation/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20354905

Edited by canuck45
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Ok so just about a year in between the first post and update. If you're still in the same relationship it's quite possible your partner is basically ok with it ... there are other possibilities but that's one of them.

As someone who has been in a similar situation, though not for quite as long, it was basically down to anxiety and resolved in time. Partly this happened by accepting that I was basically useless at penetrative sex. This was a painful process but at the time undeniable. From that point onward the stress and pressure reduced and in time the PE just went away, more or less. It wasn't about control or developing techniques or anything, just basic relaxation.

If things are really as described then it's worth giving yourself and your fiancée a break. You can't know she must be freaking out about spending her life having awful sex with you unless she's given you some indication that's what she feels. Maybe she's ok with you as you are. No point always apologising - if you've been together over a year she'll know by now you're not doing it on purpose. You can still give and receive pleasure if you stop fixating on things you can't do at the moment.

Edited by Nimmo
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6 hours ago, canuck45 said:

Nothing to be ashamed off...but there are ways to slow things down....
Speak to your doctor about it,
We have a heart problem, we see a doctor
Have a foot problem, we see a doctor
Have a penis problem, we see a doctor

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premature-ejaculation/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20354905

Thanks for the reply. I know I should have gone to a doctor a year ago, but honestly the thought of having to tell another person about this terrifies me. Sometimes it feels like its better just to pretend it isn't happening, but then I'm confronted by the reality and it just makes me feel worse. Thanks for the encouragement. 

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3 hours ago, Nimmo said:

Ok so just about a year in between the first post and update. If you're still in the same relationship it's quite possible your partner is basically ok with it ... there are other possibilities but that's one of them.

It's the same woman. I need to say that at this point in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been and its because of her. She would like it to get better because she doesn't like that I'm unhappy and depressed. Plus she feels like this has taken some of the intimacy out of our relationship. She says it doesn't matter to her if I'm good in bed or not and she loves me the way I am. She's always telling me that I'm enough for her.

 

3 hours ago, Nimmo said:

As someone who has been in a similar situation, though not for quite as long, it was basically down to anxiety and resolved in time. Partly this happened by accepting that I was basically useless at penetrative sex. This was a painful process but at the time undeniable. From that point onward the stress and pressure reduced and in time the PE just went away, more or less. It wasn't about control or developing techniques or anything, just basic relaxation.

 

I know that my anxiety isn't helping. I've always had anxiety in general, and it gets 100 times worse during sex. 

 

3 hours ago, Nimmo said:

If things are really as described then it's worth giving yourself and your fiancée a break. You can't know she must be freaking out about spending her life having awful sex with you unless she's given you some indication that's what she feels. Maybe she's ok with you as you are. No point always apologising - if you've been together over a year she'll know by now you're not doing it on purpose. You can still give and receive pleasure if you stop fixating on things you can't do at the moment.

We have a routine now that is normal for us. At the beginning she thought I wasn't attracted to her, and I was so defensive I couldn't be honest with her. Now I just feel responsible for this and I need her to know that I'm trying my best. I'm still afraid that she could might give up on me one day and just find someone else. And I have to tell myself that we really love each and she wouldn't do that. So its like a mental battle I'm always fighting. 

It doesn't help that I don't have any experience with women so most of the time I don't know what I'm doing wrong or right. 

Edited by history lover
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If advice is any use, I'd say you might as well try to enjoy the things you can do - the intimacy and sensuality - and not worry so much about the penetrative stuff. By all means try to resolve it but don't make it into something you always see as an essential missing piece if it doesn't work out. Long term obsessing over real or perceived inadequacies can be corrosive to relationships and usually is.

 

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14 hours ago, history lover said:

I know I should have gone to a doctor a year ago, but honestly the thought of having to tell another person about this terrifies me.

Keep in mind that the doctor may be as uncomfortable as you are. I got up the courage to talk to mine about some ED problems I was having and he got pretty flustered talking about it. It was quite funny after it was over seeing him squirm when he was talking about it. It was obvious he had used ED drugs but kept saying things like "not that I need it." Just remember they are there to help.

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