In love with a straight friend - some advice please.

[Scotiboi4]

I think I'm in love with my best friend.

 

We've only known each other just over a year but have become very close. We've both been single for the year we've known each other and our social lives and work have become intertwined.

 

I've had the odd fantasy about him, nothing very sexual but I really want to see him naked. I dream of scenarios that I could set up but I've never acted on it. He's my friend and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that.

 

He's recently started seeing a girl (a friend of mine, I introduced them). I am insanely jealous. I have very much been dumped and see and talk to him a lot less.

 

How do I get over this?

 

I should be happy he has found someone.

[blueridgedad]

I wish I could tell you your infatuation is going to end well, but gay guys making a straight guy gay only happens in the movies. I would counsel you to not even try to have that one intimate time with him. Even if he remains your friend, it will only frustrate you more and make you more jealous.

 

If it sounds like I'm talking from experience, I am. And this friend of mine was bi. We had sex, maybe once or twice a month (and it wasn't always me initiating), but he also had girlfriends and it agitated me to no end. You start tormenting yourself on "Why aren't I good enough for him," and all that. "He seems so into it when he's with me. Why does he need a girl?"

 

So, unless you feel some vibes coming from him or have a good heart to heart with him, just leave him to his new girlfriend. And even if you do get your magic moment with him, it rarely rarely rarely is forever.

[Bill CA]

Dude, blueridedad has given you some great advise and since you put the two together what did you think was going to happen? You two are still great friends and it sounds like work buddies so let him enjoy his new love interest as he would do for you if you found a new boyfriend.

 

Remember not all hookups last forever and just be there for him as things start to fall apart. If you still want to see him naked join a gym together or go swimming together. Bill

[jayzer]

Breeders make terrible friends. They always ditch you for their bitches and are forced to replace their own friends with hers. You engineered your own removal from his life. Take it as a teachable moment for the future, because the only time you'll see him now is post-breakup.

[RodEnuf]

Please forgive the length of this reply, Scotiboi4, but I hope my story will be of value to you.

 

I have a very close friend who is straight. We met over 35 years ago in a local computer hobbyists club. He was in his early 20's and I was in my mid 30's. Though he was not well educated, he was smart and good looking. He was also married and entirely straight. He had no problem with gay men, he just wasn't the least bit interested in sex with a man. To borrow a phrase from former President Jimmy Carter, I lusted in my heart for this guy. It was exciting just to be around him.

 

In those days I was closeted and I never hinted at the true nature of my interest in him. Years later, in fact, I learned that three other gay members of the group (a group of about 30, at least 25 of whom were straight) had hit on him. He declined in each case, informed them that he was straight, and remained friends with them. I never did hit on him, but we did become good friends.

 

We remained friends when I moved to another state. A couple of years after having a son, he and his wife separated. Their work situations resulted in my friend becoming the custodial parent. Not too much later a job became available where I was then working that I thought was a great fit for him. He interviewed for and got the job. He and his son moved to my city and he and I worked together for over a dozen years.

 

Because of his belief in the sanctity of marriage, he didn't date for the first four years that we worked together because it took that long before he and his wife were divorced. During those years, he and I hung out together a lot, both with and without his young son. During the next several years he dated (and had sex with) several women. During these years, we still hung out often. He and his son became like family to me.

 

There came a time when he became seriously interested in a woman. I saw him less and less outside of work. Occasionally, I would get together with him and his new love interest. I began to really dislike her. It took a couple of months, but I suddenly realized that what I was feeling was jealousy. OMG, I was jealous of her. There was never anything but friendship between him and me and there was never going to be. Yet I was jealous.

 

I was seriously embarrassed. I made up my mind that maintaining our friendship was what was most important to me. I resolved to be friendly to his girlfriend and to any subsequent girlfriend he might have. And he did eventually break up with that woman. There were a couple more extended relationships before he met the woman who became his second wife. He and I spent more time together when he was between relationships and less when he was in one. I was warm and friendly toward his girlfriends. I participated in the wedding when he and his present wife married. Not only he and his wife but his son, daughter-in-law, and grandson are family to me now and I am to them.

 

For me, this is the best outcome that was possible. They are all an important part of my life and I wouldn't want to have risked this outcome over some futile reaction I might have had all those years ago.

 

If he is genuinely your friend and you care about him, you must support what's best for him. You can remain part of his life. And in your case, you have a leg up because his girlfriend is already a friend of yours too. Early in their relationship they will want to go places and to do things on their own. Eventually, they will begin to incorporate their friends into their activities. Give them the space and time that any new couple needs.

 

BTW, when the day comes that you meet, fall for, and start a relationship with a man who reciprocates, you and your boyfriend will do couples things with him and his girlfriend (or by then, his wife). You might never tell him how you once felt about him. That's OK.

 

 

Alan G

[jdrTX]

Yup. Trust what everyone else has said.

I lusted after a straight friend in high school. We even started playing the "you show me yours, and I'll show you mine" thing. I showed him mine, and that was the extent of things!

Had a few straight friends, that all I did was offer - "if ya ever need some release..." - no go.

Don't embarrass yourself. Keep the friendship. It's worth more than a roll in the sheets.

 

As for the girlfriend - DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

 

BTW, you can still get him naked and stuff. Just go to the gym with him and shower, or, if he's over, don't be afraid to not cover up. He might eventually do the same with you.

You can look, but don't touch, unless invited!

[Red Scott]

If I were you I would simply continue to be his friend, at the moment that's all you can do. Keep inviting him out to do whatever things you both enjoyed before he met this girl.

 

You will find that once the initial "lust" stage of his new relationship has begun to settle down he will likely lean on his friends once more. When this happens try activities you haven't done before, if you really want to see him naked then obviously activities requiring changing rooms is an easy one.

 

But DON'T attempt to make a move on him of a sexual nature without first getting an obvious signal from him. I have found that there are few totally straight guy's out there, with a majority of guy's open to some level of experimentation, but never ever push the issue without first knowing how open he is!

 

If you told him how you feel about him and he's not open to even masturbation in the presence of another male then he could run a mile and end the friendship. You can be an affectionate friend to him without giving the game up so to speak, so just be the best friend you can be to him. Giving very subtle signals and open conversation on sexual topics may help to open him up a little, but certainly don't be pushy and just enjoy his friendship and company.

 

Give it 3 months and the new girl affect will be wearing off and you will see more and more of him as you used to, but don't give up trying to get him to attend activities with you or you will drift further apart and he may even sense your jealousy. Just be you and give things time to settle down.

[topdog]

I've put this as a reply to my good friend Scott as I wanted it to come at the end, after the excellent advice and support above - I even find myself agreeing with Rod Enuf, which must be a first!

 

I heartily echo all the above, and I'm so sorry to hear about a fellow gay guy getting his heart broken in this all-too-familiar story - believe me we have all been there.

 

But once you've coped with the heartbreak and dusted yourself off, you have to make sure this Never Happens Again. How? By loving yourself and looking after yourself - try to find out why you for some strange reason found yourself unworthy of love, and fell in love with an unattainable man. What a waste of You! From your profile you sound like a great guy, and the world is full of other great gay and bi guys looking for love, how come you managed to find a str8 guy to fall for? I know you're not a stupid man, so how did this happen? Why didn't you spot the signs early, pull out and save your heartbreak?

 

I'm not saying this to blame or condemn you, I have all the sympathy in the world for your pain and suffering, but I also would want you to be ready next time, and look after yourself.

 

While I'm doling out the advice (and forgive me if this is unwelcome, but I really am doing this from a loving place), trying to have a close friendship with this guy and trying to see him naked is just getting away with what you can and you know it. You don't want a close friendship with him: you're settling for one because you can't have what you want. It can ease the heartbreak of rejection to say 'well, we'll always be friends', and if that bit of denial gets you through then you go for it honey, but ultimately it probably won't happen. Some people make it do so, but when you eventually fall for a a guy who really loves you, this whole thing will be that foolish thing you once did, and god did you have the hots for this guy but it came to nothing, and you'll have your own 'I fell for a str8 guy' story, like every other homo on the planet, darling! Including me.

 

So, honey, you love your excellent self, look after yourself and don't do this to yourself again! And don't do it now! Don't waste a single second of your valuable life on this str8 guy and go find yourself a cute fag to love. The world is waiting.

 

 

[Steve W]

I have a couple of straight male friends for whom I have felt something more intense than just mateship, which was reciprocated by them to an extent. There is a 26-year-old guy I know, I've been friends with him for about 4 years, and he is straight and has had various girlfriends over time. People have given him shit about how close he and I are. It was a problem for a little while but it seems to have sorted itself out. I only see him once or twice a year, but when we do see each other, it sets off very warm feelings. I can truly say I love this young man, but I have never really thought of anything physical with him. We are touchy when we are around each other, but it never goes anywhere and wouldn't. This is a kind of friendship that I really love and I feel that straight men, if they are not afraid of their feelings, can really enjoy with gay men, without the danger of it becoming sexualised. And vice versa: I don't know if straight men can be quite that free and emotional with their straight mates, but can be with a gay man. It's a lovely little niche, that gay men can occupy. And it doesn't get in the way of actual gay romance, really. It's just what it is - platonic, but intense. We all have the freedom to have that kind of relationship.

[topdog]

I agree, of course, and I have, and have had, really good str8 friends of that kind - at the moment, my closest friends are a str8 guy, 2 bi guys and 2 str8 women! Anyone can be friends with anyone.

 

And when my str8 male buddies get girlfriends, I'm happy for them, because all I want from them is a friendship, so I'm no more jealous of their relationships than they are of mine. Also, I have no particular desire to see any of them naked.

 

I'm not saying gay and str8 can't be friends! I was saying that if you really want to have a relationship with someone, and settle for friendship, it's quite another matter. A true friendship is a source of great joy for both parties, and the closer the friendship the more joyful. Settling for friendship when you want a boyfriend is a recipe for an even longer heartbreak I feel, and I'd like to help anyone avoid that if they can.

[topdog]

ps. Steve! Good to hear from you buddy - hope all is well!