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11 Things Guys Secretly Do With Their Penises


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11 Things Guys Secretly Do With Their Penises

By Frank Kobola - Cosmo.ph

 

 

1. Bend it TO ITS EXTREME POINT.

A flaccid penis is basically like having a slinky in your pants.

 

2. Stretch it.

We have pulled it until it hurt just to see how far it can go. It's not like we decide it's time to do penis stretches whenever we're alone, but we've attempted this once.

 

3. Flick it.

It's pretty funny to flick an erection. Alternatively, bend it back to our stomachs and let it spring forward.

 

4. Try and fit it in things.

If you have a penis you're going to see what it does (or more importantly, doesn't) fit into. Paper towel rolls, wide-mouth Snapple bottles, etc. The less it can fit into, the better you feel.

 

5. Make a hotdog with our balls.

You can wrap your balls onto either side of your penis and it basically forms a genital hotdog. This is funny.

 

6. Measure it.

It is impossible to have a penis without taking a tape measure to it. We need to know the number.

 

7. Just hold it, ever so gently.

All the time. Just walking around the house doing chores and holding our penis. Holding our penis while driving (not illegal). Pretty much anything we can do with one hand, we'll use the other hand to hold our penis.

 

8. Tuck it behind our legs.

Hahaha, hey! Now we're a lady!

 

9. Try and put it in our butt.

JUST TO SEE IF WE CAN! WE DON'T, LIKE, ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT, OK?

 

10. Look into it.

Do I have to go into more detail here?

 

11. Move it without using our hands.

With a lot of focus and a raging erection, we can make it dance around. It's surprisingly exhausting though.

 

 

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This is too good.  I am guilty of all but #5.  My balls are usually pretty tight in my scrotum. 

Am I the only one guilty of #9?  It helps being a shower with a long, skinny flaccid.  I could actually tuck it in my butt cheeks.  That might be TMI.

Anyway, I think the list needs to be expanded.  I have ten more things I have done with my penis, I mean things I have heard others have done with their penis:

12.  Use it as a towel hanger.  A towel was usually too heavy for me to hold up, but I could hang hand towels, wash cloths, hats, underwear and socks over it.  This is actually very helpful, as its almost like having another hand when you are carrying things from the laundry room.

13.  Turn it into a helicopter.  I became very proficient at this, doing it both clockwise and counter clockwise.  Lots more fun than the old Hula-Hoop.

14.  Use it as a candy or change dispenser.  You need a loose foreskin, but this trick is always good for laughs at parties.  Word of Warning:  Pop Rocks can be painful.  Stick to M&Ms, chocolate chips or my personal favorite, Red Hots.

15.  A weapon in sword fights.  Being long and skinny is a real disadvantage in sword fights.  I always lost to thicker ones, no matter what their length was.

16.  Impale a Sockem Bopper.  If you put shaving cream into the center, it works great when the missus is away.

17.  Use as a catapult.  See how many pieces of pop corn or candy you can flip into your mouth in a row.  It is much more difficult than it sounds, isn't it?

18.  Use it to get someone's attention.  Tapping your erection on someone's shoulder always elicits a response (best to do to someone who likes you and knows your crazy).

19.  A new place for your wrist watch.  I do not have successful personal experience with this.  The watch kept falling off.  But I have seen it done and it is impressive.

20.  Use it as the post for ring toss.  Hours of fun when you're stuck indoors on cold days.

21.  Use it as a place to hang your soap-on-a-rope in the shower.  Come on, who didn't do this as a kid with that goofy Christmas present from your aunt? 

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